Wow. Football is back folks, back in a big way. In case you didn’t notice, this was an absolutely crazy week in the NFL. We saw the Browns and the Steelers tie, which was the first time we’ve had a week 1 tie since OT was introduced into the NFL. The Bucs and the Saints combined for 98 points, the highest point total EVER for a week one game. We also saw the Titans and the Dolphins play the longest game in NFL history at seven hours, 10 minutes. If you were boycotting the NFL this week, that fucking sucks.
Let’s move on to fantasy football..
Here’s how the highly anticipated week one of the DFFL played out this past weekend. Much like the NFL games, many of these fantasy football games were equally as crazy. We had three games decided within five points, and one game decided by less than a point. (I’m sad). We also set a DFFL record this week. Not only did we set the record for most points in the opening week, we set the record for most points ever scored in a week with 1408.7 points shattering the previous record of 1344.7 set in week 11 of the 2017 season. We also set a record of 11/12 teams scoring over 100 points in a week. Bitch Jake was the only one who couldn’t reach the century mark. The previous record was 8/12 set in week 11 of 2017. Besides the fact that we set a bunch of records that are pretty much meaningless, we also learned that I have no clue what I’m talking about. Many of the teams that I projected to have a rough go of it were super impressive in week one (Brendan, Mas, Bobandy, Kaden) while teams I ranked near the top were rather subpar (Billy, Reddo, Scott, Jake). So before you keep reading, just keep in mind that I’m extremely daft. Let’s talk about what we saw..
Don’t Fuckle With Shuckle 100.8 (1-0)
Scary Terry 88.4 (0-1)
We’ll begin the recaps with the least explosive game of the week. Scott and Jake posted the two lowest scores of the week and both squads left a lot to be desired. Scott however, has a lot less to be concerned about. He got a rare bad outing from Jimmy Graham, and a minor injury to Goodwin which likely won’t force him to miss any extended time. Andrew Luck and Joe Mixon looked terrific. Luck had a tremendous game against the Bengals and he should only get better from here. If I’m Jake right now, I’m a bit stressed out. Derrick Henry was a total non-factor and was outperformed by Dion Lewis. If the Titans are behind in a lot of games, Henry will have a hard time even sniffing the field. Luckily Leonard Fournette’s injury is being called “day to day” so his return could surge a much needed boost back into the lineup. Delanie Walker’s season is finished. He suffered a horrible leg injury and now Jake will look to Tyler Eifert to fill the void. Jake gotsome good outings from Tyler Lockett and Isaiah Crowell off the bench though so he can calmly take his hand off the panic button for now.
The Golden God 134.7 (1-0)
The Implication 107.1 (0-1)
No Carson Wentz? No Le’Veon Bell? No problem! The defending champion whipped out his golden dick this week and exploded all over Bobandy for a fantastic 134.7 points. Kaden didn’t have anyone score over 25 points, but a nice and balanced attack made him the second highest scorer of the week and he was able to do it without his first round pick. Although Kaden had a great week, we can’t ignore the week Bobandy had either. 107.1 points is a very respectable number, especially when you consider that Bobandy is notorious for having god fucking awful teams with the talent of a 6th grade girl with no arms or legs. He got a combined -6.3 from Travis Kelce, Chris Hogan, and Saints D/ST which means that he had six players average 17.85 points. Obviously those abhorrent games aren’t going to happen every week, so keep an eye on both of these teams to make a run in the coming weeks. It’s all part of the D.E.N.N.I.S. System.
Protect The Shield 140.4 (1-0)
Lick My Pussy @bitchbarge 112.9 (0-1)
Our fearless commissioner Brendan Cach was our highest scoring player this week and was easily able to take care of Zig. In my preview of Brendan’s team, I noted that his weakness will be at running back and it would appear that for the moment, I was right. The duo of Tevin Coleman and Kerryon Johnson only managed 16.2 points between them, however, Brendan’s receiving corps was outstanding. Between very nice outings from AJ Green, Antonio Brown, Golden Tate and a huge day from Aaron Rodgers, it’s easy to see why he was able to exceed 140 points. Ravens D/ST also scored 17 points and Legatron scored 16. Keep in mind that the Raven’s don’t get to face the Bills every week, also there has to be some concern about Aaron Rodgers going forward. That knee injury did not look good, and ARodg looked high as shit off painkillers in his post game interview. For Zig, this week was kinda mehh. He got some great games by Emmanuel Sanders and Keenan Allen, but his RB’s were pretty poopy. Kareem Hunt was a non-factor and the return of Spencer Ware should also be concerning. Zig may need AP to fall back on if they start splitting carries. Worst of all for Zig, Greg Olsen re-injured his foot and will miss extended time. Benjamin Watson is the only other TE on Zig’s roster.
Blitz Cock 104 (1-0)
Lord Mattis 102 (0-1)
Good fucking grief Matt Stafford. All you had to do was not fuck up and Reddo would’ve won. Stafford could’ve played even slightly under mediocre and Reddo still would’ve won, but instead he turned in one of the worst performances I’ve seen from him in his entire career. It was brutal to watch and he wasn’t even the worst QB last night.. (Looking at you Derek Carr). Anyway, neither of these teams were all that impressive in week one. Chris Thompson was the highest scoring player on both sides with 21.8 points and seven players didn’t break 10 points. Devonta Freeman will be good to go for next Sunday though and should be able to eclipse the 6.5 points he scored against the Eagles. Billy will likely roll with Patrick Mahomes moving forward. He looked incredible against the Chargers and should be able to continue that production with all the weapons he has. For Reddo, Stafford really couldn’t be any worse than he was last night, so look for him to bounce back. Both of these squads have the horses to perform better than they did, and neither team sustained any major injuries.
Zig is a bitch 130.4 (1-0)
My Teams OVR Rating Is 71 126.1 (0-1)
This was one of our closest games of the week and Mason lead the entire way until Todd Gurley started shredding the Gruden defense late in the fourth quarter past midnight. Mason took a huge lead on Thursday night when Jay Ajayi and Julio Jones went Sicko Mode, but faltered on Sunday and Monday when Deshaun Watson played poorly along with Matt Prater and Robert Woods. Despite the loss, Mason has a reason to hold his head high. He scored 126 points without his 3rd round pick, and got huge outings from guys like Kenny Stills and Jay Ajayi who I thought would be non factors. Julio Jones is still a god, but Deshaun Watson needs to improve. Barge’s team was everything we expected it to be. he scored 130 points with only four players scoring in double digits. It may sound flukey, but Barge has guys like Tyreek Hill, Tom Brady, and Todd Gurley that are capable of winning games by themselves. LeSean McCoy’s 2.6 point performance is a little concerning, but we’ll comeback to that if and when the Bills aren’t playing 40 point catch up. Neither team sustained an injury and both look to build on their positive week one performances.
Tiny Rick 131.4 (1-0)
The Full Bullpen 130.5 (0-1)
This game was the highest scoring of the week and also the closest. Colin was able to best Gabe by .9 in this opening week slugfest thanks to Michael Thomas, Drew Brees, and Melvin Gordon. For Gabe it came down to the final drive of the Rams/Raiders game where Brandin Cooks came ever so close to getting him the win. Losing by .9 seems devastating, but Gabe actually had an even closer loss. Last season, Zig beat Gabe by .4 in week three. (Fuck you Jamison Crowder). Colin’s team looked pretty damn good. He scored 131 without Doug Baldwin meaning he had eight players combine for that large total. It helped that the Saints were trailing the entire game which paved the way for Brees and Thomas combine for 67 points and 51% of Colin’s total points. The Saints defensive woes were also to the benefit of Alvin Kamara, who posted the top score for RB’s this week with 38.6 points. Both teams showed a lot of balance and promise, with Doug Baldwin being the only injured player in the game. Colin will likely look to Chris Godwin, Randall Cobb, or Kenny Golladay in his absence.
That just about does it for our week one recaps! Look for my week two power rankings to be released ahead of the TNF game between the Ravens and the Bengals. Here’s where the two teams left off the last time they met… 😉
Dad's Fantasy Football 