Alright bitches lets get this over with. I’ve got some major slob to catch tonight so it’s very important to me that I can shower early so that my flow is looking extra crisp when I sink my teeth into some fucking Jets deep dish pizza while I watch the New York Jets pipe down the Browns in many different positions. Here are my power rankings heading into week 3.
1. Zig is a Bitch (2-0)
Last week: 1↔
Nothing new to see here, Barge is only .2 off the league lead in points and carries a 2-0 record into week three. Look for high scoring and winning to be a common trend barring any injuries
2. Tiny Rick (2-0)
Last week: 4(↑2)
This was tough, you can make a case for Blitz Cock, Protect the Shield, or even the Full Bullpen into the number 2 spot, but for now we’ll give it to Colin because he’s 3rd in the league in points and has a 2-0 record
3. Protect The Shield (2-0)
Last week: 3↔
Brendan stays put in the three spot even after a down week because I believe his team has some unbelievably high scoring potential from week to week as long as Aaron Rodgers can stay healthy. HOT TAKE: Tevin Coleman will be a top 10 RB this season.
4. Blitz Cock (2-0)
Last week: 7(↑3)
Billy carries a 2-0 record into week three and is currently fourth in the league in scoring. I believe he’s right where he belongs for now, especially considering Patrick Mahomes simply can’t score 50 every week.
5. The Full Bullpen (1-1)
Last week: 5↔
Although currently the highest scoring team in the league, it’s tough to justify putting him ahead of the other 2-0 teams at the moment.
6. The Implication (1-1)
Last week: 8(↑2)
After a great week two, Bobandy is less than five points behind Blitz Cock and Protect The Shield and only ten behind Tiny Rick. If David Johnson can return to his 2016 form it’ll be deep trouble for the rest of the league.
7. The Golden God (1-1)
Last week: 6(↓1)
A lackluster week two resulted in a loss for Kaden’s team, but at least he gets Carson Wentz back this week (who he’s currently not starting). Can Ryan Fitzmagic vault Kaden to a 2-1 start?? we’ll see. For now Kaden still needs help at RB. James White is currently the highest scoring RB on his team. Le’Veon Bell anyone??
8. Lick My Pussy @bitchbarge (0-2)
Last week: 11(↑3)
Two tough luck losses for Blake in two weeks. statistics would tell you that he’s due for a win although he’s 8th in the league in scoring and averaging 114 ppg.
9. Don’t Fuckle With Shuckle (1-1)
Last week: 2(↓7)
Scott is the latest to take the plunge. A couple of injuries, a fair amount of uncertainty, and the fact that he’s currently 11th in the league in scoring at just 106.3 ppg are what has Scott so low. Luckily most of his injuries appear to be temporary so we’ll have to check back with Scott around week 5ish when he’s back at full strength.
10. Lord Mattis (0-2)
Last week: 9(↓1)
Reddo had a decent week last week, but I fear that he will suffer from inconsistency a lot this season. He currently has five questionable players and Devonta Freeman may lose more touches than expected. Matt Stafford has also been anything if not underwhelming
11. My Teams OVR Rating Is 71 (0-2)
Last week: 11(↓1)
Despite Brendan scoring just over 100 points, Mas still wasn’t able to pull out a win. He joins Jake as the only other team to score under 100 points in a week this season. A troubling trend that Mas will likely see more often than not.
12. This ferret
Last week: none↔
This ferret isn’t actually in the league and even if he was, he’d probably be pretty terrible considering he’s a fucking ferret.
13. Scary Terry (0-2)
Last week: 12(↓1)
Even a wild ferret has been more impressive than Jake’s fantasy team this season. After scoring just 77.7 ppg through the first two weeks, it’s officially panic time for Scary Terry.
Dad's Fantasy Football 