I want to start off by saying that I take absolutely no pleasure in writing this. With each word that I type here today, a new nerve pinches causing my brain to send shockwaves of anger, pain, and jealousy down all 42 inches of my (strong and lean) body. Nevertheless, something must be done about the (sighs) years of treachery we’ve all had to suffer through.

It has come to my attention that Scott Bankes has been, by far, the most successful fantasy football owner in this league. If that didn’t hurt you enough to read, keep in mind that it’s also not really even close, at all. In fact, it’s not even close to being close or even close to being debatable. This is being written by someone who is willing to die on almost EVERY hill imaginable. Grasping on the tiniest of straws to wiggle my way into a new agenda to push, but alas, there’s no lifeline in any form of a “Scott sucks at fantasy agenda.” At this point Scott is basically the irregularly large lump you find on your nuttsack one morning. You simply ignore it and hope it goes away. (Scott held a gun to my head and forced me to publish this, mom if you’re out there please call for help my location is 821…gfdgerag..gasd)

Here’s the thing though guys. We’re quickly approaching 9 years in this league and something needs to change. We need to stop Scott this year. It can’t just be one guy, it can’t just be TWO guys. It’s on all of us to defeat the empire. I don’t know if I have the mental fortitude to watch that little smirking fucker put together another championship season after starting off 1-3 and fleecing some idiots in a trade deal (Jake and Nico go fuck yourselves) AGAIN!!

So without further ado, here are 7 things that we can do to stop Scott Bankes from making the playoffs this year….

1. Physical Harm

Despite his relatively short stature, Scott is a pretty strong guy. It may take a couple of us to get the job done, but I’m confident that maybe we could do enough damage to hinder Scott’s ability to manage a fake football team. If he’s spending a lot of time recovering from a “horrible accident involving two jackhammers and a crocodile” then that means he has less time to focus on his draft strategy.

2. Cast a Padanian Hex of Misfortune on him.

This one definitely feels like the obvious choice, but it’s easier said than done. A hex of misfortune is designed to sap it’s target of all good luck and make sure that only bad things happen to them for an intermediate amount of time. Even just a month or two of bad luck would likely be enough to make sure Scott is completely out of the playoff hunt. Conjuring one of these can be kind of tricky however. While acquiring the blood of a virgin should be easy (we’ll just use Brendan’s), obtaining the snout of the North Peruvian Red Goat seems like a near insurmountable task.

3. Make him play ranked League of Legends with Dane for 6 minutes

This one is extremely doable. The idea here is that Scott kills himself and ceases to exist by the time he’s finished playing ranked League with Dane. Some of you reading this may be asking “how the fuck would something so insignificant and completely unrelated to fantasy football get Scott to kill himself?” and to those people I say “You’ve never ran duos with Dane before.”

4. Make sure he’s at the wrong place at the wrong time (Aboard the Challenger in ’86)

Now just hear me out here. If Scott were somehow aboard the Challenger in 1986, there’s a very strong chance that he doesn’t defeat any of us in fantasy football this year. Now you’re probably wondering “Gabe, if we’re sending him back to 1986 anyway, why does he have to die? He’d probably never meet us if he’s existing in a different era.” I believe this line of thinking is riddled with inaccuracies. What you have to understand about Scott is that he only has 1 singular, VERY hard working brain cell. That lone brain cell is solely dedicated to fantasy football and not a damn thing more. If Scott exists in any era that we live in, you best believe he will not rest until he hunts us down and beats us at fantasy football. He must board the doomed space shuttle or this plan fails, now I just need to get my hands on a time machine.

5. Sabotage the Fantasy Footballers Podcast

What most people don’t know about Scott is that he’s never actually formed an original thought regarding fantasy football. It’s well documented that he sponges info from podcasts all year round thus giving him an advantage over his competitors. Taking away his podcasts would be like taking away the teleprompter from Ron Burgundy. If we can somehow ensure that the Fantasy Footballers podcast gets cancelled, you best believe Scott will panic and start making horrible decisions such as drafting Kyle Pitts in the third round.

6. Release a bird of prey into his living quarters

Most are likely aware already but for those who aren’t, hawks are sharp predators who prey on smaller and weaker opponents. While this mostly is going to include things like rodents or smaller birds, hawks are also known to prey on smaller humans from time to time. There are very few people who fit this description better than Scott does. If we can figure out a way to get a Hawk to snatch him up, then he will never have a chance to snatch Ceedee Lamb off Nico’s roster.

7. Pull him into the bucket

Scott views himself as a higher being than everyone in this league. That’s just the truth. He looks at us like we’re trash on the street, shit in the toilet, or crabs in the bucket. The reality is that as crabs in a bucket, we do not have the physique to climb out of this bucket. Scott has always found a way out of the bucket while everyone else is busy struggling and failing to climb out. I propose a new strategy. NOBODY attempts to climb out of the bucket. We simply wait until Scott tries to make a move and then we pull him down with us. Translation to fantasy football: This isn’t about you winning the league anymore, this is about holding Scott back. NEVER make a move without first considering “How does this hurt Scott and how can I maximize that?” Let’s bring Scott to justice and see how he likes walking a mile in my bowling shoes.

Fellas….. let this be the year…. Please.

Year 9 Draft: TBA

December 4, 2017: On this cold and lonely evening, we find Andrew Dubanik sitting on his bed in a dimly lit room with his phone in one hand and a Luger 9mm caliber pistol in the other. Bobandy’s fantasy football team “The Lord of the Light’ had just lost their 9th and final game of the season giving Bobandy his worst record in franchise history. Throughout his three year career in the DFFL, Bobandy had compiled a league-worst 14-25 record and zero playoff appearances.

“People always say that tomorrow isn’t guaranteed, but I was ready to guarantee that I didn’t see tomorrow” Bobandy said with a tear running down his face. “You never really know what other people are going through. I walked by at least 10 people that day and I bet none of them knew I had a shitty fantasy football team.”

Fantasy football wasn’t the only thing ruining Bobandy’s life. He was also going through a messy divorce, his third in three years and had just lost custody of his first and only son, Sword Dubanik.

“At the end of the day I’m grateful for the early years” Bobandy said with a grin. “You can’t truly appreciate success if you don’t understand what it means to fail.”

To call what Bobandy did from 2015-2017 “failing” would be an understatement. He lost 25 games, over $175k between sports gambling and settlements, three wives, and one child. He also started multiple quarterbacks who scored negative points during the same 2017 season.

“Nathan Peterman can suck my dirty cranky hog as far as I’m concerned”

Andrew Dubanik

Battered and bruised… Tussled and torn… Andrew Dubanik wasn’t ready to quit just yet.

After a few personnel changes and some hard work and focus, Bobandy was ready to put himself in position to win some games.

“I think the turnaround really started when Terrelle Pryor was no longer available to be reached for” Bobandy explained. “He’ll absolutely have his number retired here one day, but I felt maybe too many concessions were made where Terrelle was concerned.”

While the loss of his dear friend Terrelle Pryor stung, it sparked a rapid and tremendous rebuild. In 2018, Bobandy’s team “The Implication” won 9 games in the regular season and made it all the way to the championship game before coming up just short in the title. Between 2019 and 2020, Bobandy won 19 regular season games but still came up just a bit short in both seasons, leaving him with three straight 2nd place finishes.

“He’s one of the most resilient clients I’ve ever had” said Bobandy’s attorney Doug Grape. “Never in my 28-year career have I seen someone fight 16 sexual assault allegations, 112 sexual misconduct allegations, and years of tax fraud allegations while continuing to dominate his friends in a twelve team half-point PPR fantasy football league. It’s unbelievable.”

While Bobandy may have lied to many judges and juries under oath, his 2021 fantasy football squad was the absolute truth. His team “Herb Dean Fully Loaded” lead by Patrick Mahomes took down DFFL legend Scott Bankes in the championship to claim his first ever title. He had compiled 37 wins in the regular season between 2018 and 2021 with top 2 finishes in every single one of those seasons.

“Whether you’re one of the guys in my fantasy league or a cute broad I picked up at the Pinckney pub, you should probably just expect to get dominated over and over again.”

Andrew Dubanik

Bobandy’s story is an inspiration worldwide to those who can’t seem to draft the right quarterback, pickup the correct handcuff, or have lost a child in a messy custody battle. It shows that no matter what’s going on in your life, nothing else truly matters as long as you’re winning fantasy football games.

After so many years of sustained success, what’s next for Bobandy?

“Everyone’s ready to get after it” Bobandy said confidently. “There’s a lot of new faces and they understand that there’s high expectations in this locker room. (Travis) Kelce is our captain and has been a big part of spreading my philosophy among his new teammates.”

Bobandy is confident that his recent incident involving the alleged assault of multiple strippers at the Fuego Night Club in Orlando won’t be an issue as the season gets underway. His lawyer, Doug Grape, refused to comment at this time.

The Buffalo Bills will face the Super Bowl Champion Los Angeles Rams tomorrow night (9/8) at 8:20 PM….. ITS FOOTBALL TIME!!!!

Last year, in a stunning turn of events. Jake traded away Darren Waller to the eventual champion, Scott Bankes, for the often hospitalized, rarely effective, soft penised debutante known as David Johnson. Darren Waller would go on to do big things for Scott en route to his first ever DFFL championship.

Jake didn’t see the value in tight ends in 2020, but that is no longer the case.

Sources have all but confirmed that Jake will select Kansas City TE Travis Kelce with the 5th overall pick in this year’s draft.

“Travis is a tremendous player and I firmly believe he’ll score big touchdown this year” said an exuberant Jake. “He’s an incredible athlete. He’s got great size and also the speed he has for his size is off the charts. He has really nice lips too.”

But the party doesn’t for Jake after his inevitable selection of Kelce. Sources have confirmed that he will proceed to take Darren Waller in round 2, followed by George Kittle in round 3.

“I wanna be the first one to snag em’ all!” said Jake when asked why he’s implementing this new and bizarre strategy. “The way I see it, if I have all of the good tight ends, that means nobody else has any good tight ends which gives me an advantage.”

Will this new strategy work for Jake? We’ll have to check back in a few weeks to find out, but for now let’s welcome this brand new football season with open arms. Win or lose, let us all pour a drink to football season being officially back.

Look all I’m saying is if I have another losing season, my fiancé is going to take the cats and leave me. I’m still trying to decide whether that’s a good thing or not”

Jake

Alright gentlemen let’s do this. No more cupcakes or slight optimism in my draft reviews. Your teams will be rated honestly, but as fairly as possible. Spoiler alert: your draft did not go well and your team is garbage. Let us begin…

Protect The Shield

The two time DFFL champion can all but kiss any chance of a hat trick goodbye, as he drafted one of the worst teams ever assembled. Starting at QB, he boasts a career journeyman Tom Brady, who has a lower super bowl winning % than Nick Foles. His RB2? Cam Akers. Who even is that? Alvin Kamara was his first pick, which is hilarious considering he’s all but certainly holding out this year. I would’ve expected better from a former champ, but he also sucks dick at warzone so perhaps its rubbing off on his fantasy knowledge.

Grade: F

Dawsonville Fantasy Team

What an idiot. Billy actually drafted two PRIME injury candidates this year in Lamar Jackson and Christian McCaffrey. Newsflash Bill, 2019 is over. You can’t just pretend like Lamar Jackson is actually a good player. There isn’t a single noteworthy player on this team after these two other than Keenan Allen, who I believe just came over from the XFL

Grade: F

Cheeseburger Eddy

A terrible draft from the league leader in losses? Color me surprised! Reddo actually had the audacity to draft a dude named Clyde. The only other thing in the planet named Clyde is the bitchass orange ghost from Pac-Man. Kenyan Drake may have been good with Arizona, but he was shitty with Miami, which is the ONLY numbers I’ll be looking at. Also the Longset Yard is a shitty movie

Grade: F

Busch Light

Mason doesn’t really pay much attention in fantasy because usually his entire team gets hurt, so I can only assume that it will happen this year. If Mason simply had a more player friendly training facility, his teams might not suck so fucking badly. Tyreek Hill is also a woman beater and a sinner. I don’t have time for sinners in my life. Not now, not EVER.

Grade: F

Jack The Ripper

It’s Liam’s first year in the league! We’re happy to have him, but he’s taking Zig’s spot, which means that his ghost will haunt Liam’s team forever until he becomes just as whiny and annoying as Zig was when someone traded a player that he wanted. He also drafted Leonard Fournette, who is a bad teammate and will absolutely corrupt his clubhouse

Grade: F

Don’t Fuckle With Shuckle

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA 2 WIDE RECEIVERS AGAIN!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Grade: F

Herb Dean Fully Loaded

Alright well have you seen the video of Zeke eating cereal? Don’t think I need to elaborate on why he is a terrible pick. Patrick Mahomes lost the starting job to Alex Smith 3 years ago, so I don’t really understand why Randall would spend a 3rd round pick on a QB handcuff, let alone start him in week 1. Travis Kelce has had way too many good years in a row, so it’s basically a shoe-in that he plays like ass this year.

Grade: F

Wife 🙂

Wow… and they say the perfect draft doesn’t exist? Derrick Henry? TOTAL Beast. This guy may run for 2k this year and Odell Beckham in the 4th round???? It’s like I’m playing fantasy football with a bunch of ferrets! To cap it all off, he gets Joe Burrow in the 14th round who will likely win ROY, MVP and a Nobel Peace Prize after he leads the 16-0 Bengals to a Super Bowl, while throwing 100 TD’s.

Grade: A+

TRUMP2020 MAGA

All jokes aside this draft was absolute trash. I don’t think Barge has actually tried to compete in fantasy football for at least 3 years. It’s very safe to say that Barge’s ship is sinking fast and speaking of sinking ships, the name is “TRUMP2020 MAGA” couldn’t be more fitting for this group of players. The joke has written itself!

Grade: F

The Greendale Seven

There straight up isn’t a single fantasy relevant player on Owen’s bench, which means the moment one of his starters fucks up (they will because they all suck) his team is screwed. Miles Sanders is week to week and for those that don’t understand football terminology, that means he’s only allowed to play ever 3 weeks. A terrible 1st round selection for a player that won’t even sniff the field

Grade: F

Bowsettes Cans

Jake didn’t bother to put an apostrophe in “Bowsettes” despite the fact that he’s referring to her “cans” (Boobs/Milkers/Breasts/Knocker/Coconuts). There is CLEARLY ownership being displayed in the reference to cans, which means Jake made a critical grammatical error in naming his team which is a felony. It wasn’t his only mistake however, as Jake decided for the 6th straight season that he wasn’t going to draft a good team.

Grade: F

The Trash Man

Bad.

Grade: F

ALLENDALE, Mich.—For the greater part of 2018, Jake Katschor was the laughing stock of the league. His team began the season with 6 straight losses and record setting numbers in point totals (they were fucking low).  The other eleven dads often teased him, called him names, and even left shit in his microwave. It was truly rock bottom for the peen man, who found himself wallowing in his misery for months.

“I contemplated suicide more times than Bill Clinton contemplates cheating on his wife.” Jake said in a press conference last Friday. “I’ve never felt like such a worthless sack of ass, not even when I snorted an entire pack of maple & brown sugar oatmeal while I was blackout drunk at my cousin’s wedding.”

Yes, it is true that times were tough for little peen, but the best part about rock bottom is that the only way to go is up. One year ago, Jake rolled into week eleven with a league worst 1-9 record. He then won three straight games to finish the year and is now currently sitting alone in first place with a dazzling record of 8-3.

“I feel like last year we were just a little bit flaccid.” Jake exclaimed during a team meeting last Wednesday. “This year we are fully erect, like 500 milligrams of viagra erect, and we are skull-fucking the league.”

As beautiful as it may seem, success always comes at a price. Jake has battled plenty of scrutiny this season over some questionable trades he’s been involved in. The early returns on his trades seemed horrifying for Jake, especially when Mark Ingram looked like he might be an RB1 at the start of the year.

“He’s a fucking dumbass.” Said an anonymous member of the league. “I’ve met a lot of fucking dumbasses in my life, but Jake’s IQ rivals that of a disabled, moldy, half-eaten avocado. I hate Jake so much; I want to throw him in a blender and drink his remains.”

We all laughed our asses off when Jake got rid of Mark Ingram for Terry Mclaurin and Carson Wentz in return. I’ll admit it, I thought it was hilarious too. I couldn’t believe Jake would do that, but then Terry Mclaurin ended up being… pretty damn decent for a little bit! He then flipped Carson Wentz for Marvin Jones, who was barley relevant in fantasy last season. The league laughed again. “Marvin Jones?? Why??” It just didn’t seem to make much sense, but Jones is currently the WR10 putting him at high end WR2 scoring week to week.

“It was all pretty nonsensical.” Jake said on the Joe Rogan Experience last month. “I was trying to dump off Carson Wentz for literally anyone, I just hit accept when I saw the trade proposal without even looking at who I was getting.”

Jake’s final move of the season came right after the NFL trade deadline. He decided that the Terry Mclaurin experiment was over and decided that he would target Mohammed Sanu, who had just been dealt to New England. This trade is still relatively new, but it would appear that Jake may end up getting more production from it as Mclaurin’s numbers continue to decrease.

“What can I say, I’m a genius. I’m like the Isaac Newton of fantasy football.” Jake said on The View Tuesday morning. “These incels are out here playing checkers, but I’m playing 4D chess.”

Jake has never won a championship, but he has clinched his third playoff birth in five seasons and if he gets the top seed, he’ll be the only player in DFFL history to have three playoff byes. Will Jake finally be crowned the champ? That remains to be seen, but one thing is for sure… The peen dream is alive and well.

 

Week one is in the books and half of the dads came away with a big time W, while the other half came up empty. The scoring in week 1 was much less distributed as it was a year ago. Last season 11/12 teams eclipsed 100 points, a weekly DFFL record. This season, 5 teams failed to reach the century mark and two teams failed to even reach 80 points. On the flipside both Billy and Bobandy scored over 150 points. They are the first two teams to ever reach 150 points in week one and Billy’s 159.6 is now the highest opening week total of all time. Last season’s playoff teams split the series with last season’s garbage teams at 3-3. Mason, Zig, and Jake all picked up wins and look to be in shape for a solid bounce back. It’s tough to determine exactly how good every team is after just one week, but we’re gonna do it anyway. Here are the power rankings after week 1…

1. Blitz Cock (1-0)

Putting the top scoring team at number 1 after 1 week seems like a copout, but what’s not to like here? Not only did all of Billy’s players put up huge numbers, they did it while seeing a significant amount of snaps and targets. Sure you can’t count on your defense to get 22 points every week (thanks Browns) but having Robert Woods, Odell Beckham, and Evan Engram combine for thirty-eight (30 FUCKING 8) targets is obviously a great sign for the future. Also having a solid RB2 with RB1 upside like Damien Williams as your flex doesn’t hurt either.

2. The Escape Clause (1-0)

Is this finally the year that both Sammy Watkins and Derrick Henry live up to their potential and become elite fantasy assets? If so, Bobandy is well on his way to another championship appearance. The Escape Clause had an extremely top headed scoring attack getting a combined 108.6 (70%) of their scoring from McCaffrey, Watkins, and Henry, but while those numbers are likely to regress a little bit, he can also expect higher scoring outputs from the likes of Zach Ertz, Big Ben, and whoever is in the flex spot.

3. Ricky Spanish (1-0)

The gay alien from American Dad was able to spoil Owen’s DFFL debut with a balanced attack from his three-headed RB trio of Alvin Kamara Josh Jacobs and Marlon Mack. The three combined for 69.6 points on 70 touches and all seem to be bell cow backs for their respective teams.

4. Pony Express (0-1)

SURPRISE! I still believe Owen’s team holds great potential despite an extremely subpar week 1 performance. Of course this is still assuming that the allegations against Antonio Brown aren’t currently prohibiting him from playing so we’ll have to keep an eye on that. Owen’s team didn’t play great, but how often can you expect Cam Newton, Zeke, and Kerryon Johnson to combine for under 25 points? I still have faith that those guys will start to really ruffle some feathers around the league, and with Antonio Brown and possibly AJ Green back in 1-2 weeks, Owen still carries one of the most complete teams in the league.

5. The Trash Man (0-1)

Kaden’s squad actually had an extremely solid scoring week despite taking the L. Patrick Mahomes looked like his dominant MVP self and Dalvin Cook looked extremely healthy and efficient on the ground for the first time in a while. DeAndre Hopkins had a huge game that could’ve been even bigger if he didn’t drop 3 passes that were extremely catchable. Kaden’s biggest concern at this point will be finding a suitable replacement for Tevin Coleman in the flex, as Coleman is expected to be out for many weeks with an injury.

6. Kareem My Jeans (1-0)

Zig got just the game he needed after a disappointing 2018 season, scoring 138 points and easily defeating the reigning champion. The problem was it came at a price. Zig is losing Derrius Guice for an extended period of time, which will undoubtedly hurt a bit. Guice has high end RB2 potential and now Zig will be forced to play Adrian Peterson or Miles Sanders instead. Zig’s team still scored 138 with little to no help from Guice and also starting a kicker who wasn’t playing. This team looks to be built more like Zig’s successful squads from 2016 and 2017.

7. Slaking’s Dong (1-0)

Jake certainly didn’t waste any time loafing around in week 1, as he took care of Scott by an easy 35 points. Last year it took Jake five weeks to get his first win and eleven weeks to get his second so winning the opening matchup was obviously very important. While 110 points is nothing to brag about, Jake won in spite of terrible performances from Mitch Trubisky and Joe Mixon. Jake has also now won 4 games in a row dating back to last year which is currently the longest winning streak in the league. two of his four victories have been against Scott

8. Pimp’n Ain’t Breesy (0-1)

A disappointing opening week for Reddo who is hopeful to go anything but 5-8 this year. Scoring 85 points is never a good thing, but at least his dud week came at a time that he probably wasn’t going to win anyway, as his opponent put up about 160 points. Reddo got less than 20 points from his top two picks which obviously shouldn’t happen every week. Both James Connor and Nick Chubb were very limited in fantasy this week because general game flow saw both the Browns and Steelers getting absolutely shredded by their opponents, leaving not much volume for the run game. Look for Reddo’s team to bounce back with increased volume to his RB’s.

9. My Dad Beat Me And Left 4 Cigs (1-0)

Nothing special about what Mason’s team did in week one, but it got the job done and it certainly looked like his team may have left some points on the board. One of Mason’s biggest problems from a year ago was that there weren’t enough explosive players on his team who could erupt for a big game at any given time. This season Mason has four. Saquon Barkley, George Kittle, Adam Thielen, and Aaron Rodgers are all more than capable of scoring 30+ points. None of them did, and Mas still won. Look for this team to move up the standings.

10. Protect The Shield (0-1)

The former champ simply didn’t look like himself in week 1, failing to reach 100 points and losing the match by over 40 points. To make things worse, Tyreek Hill sustained an injury that is going to hold him out for several weeks and Ito Smith essentially split carries with his top RB Devonta Freeman. With Hill sidelined, Brendan desperately needs guys like Davante Adams and Devonta Freeman to pickup the scoring slack or else he could slip into a hole rather quickly.

11. Don’t Fuckle With Shuckle (0-1)

The DFFL leader in wins caught a pretty big L in week one. The WR heavy squad didn’t get nearly the production that they were expecting from Juju and Julio and the RB’s were even worse. The good news is that Julio, Juju, and Stefon Diggs should be able to put up many more points than they did in week 1. The bad news is that David Montgomery was outsnapped by Mike Davis, and although Montgomery looked like the better playmaker, guys like Davis and Tarik Cohen may frequently steal his touches. Kenyan Drake is a fun player to watch, but game flow will likely prevent him from sustaining any form of consistent volume so having him as an RB2 is less than ideal.

12. Sooner Red (0-1)

Barge’s team continues its tailspin from the end of last season, putting up a league low 74.1 points in week one. Barge’s team has now lost six in a row dating back to last season and is averaging a league low 86.63 points per game during that span. Getting low usage from guys like Todd Gurley and Sony Michel doesn’t bode well for this team’s future, but both are talented backs who are more than capable of putting up big numbers. It’s essential for Barge to hang around the playoff race until Melvin Gordon gets back, which could provide a huge power surge in points.

Welcome Back

Exactly 256 days ago, Brendan Cach made history by scoring an all time weekly record in points with a devastating 181.2 in the 4th DFFL championship game against 2nd place finisher Andrew Dubanik (Bobandy/Randy Bobe/Bobe/Dubes/Barley Fed Bobandy/Andy Man). That historic and memorable day was the last time we had any action in the DFFL. After nearly 8 months of having the sour taste of yet another Brendan Cach championship stuck to the rooves of our mouths; a new, fresh season of the DFFL begins. The DFFL is perhaps one of the greatest joys of the fall season. The league brings epic triumphs, crippling defeats, and most importantly the league makes me the least productive student/worker on the planet. If there’s one thing we can all agree on, it’s that there’s nothing more exciting than 12 white guys in their early 20’s from the Midwest yelling at their TV’s all Sunday long while texting each other hateful messages such as “get fucked bitch” or “haha lick my pussy bitch.” This league is full of skyscraping highs and basement dwelling lows, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I wish my fellow Dad’s good luck as we begin the 5th year of the DFFL.

Patch Notes 5.1

• League price: $20→$40 

  • The stakes are fucking higher this year

• Trade Vetos: 6→7

  • The league voted on 7 vetoes instead of 6, to make trading a bit easier

• New Member(s): Colin→Owen

  • The league mercilessly voted Colin out of the league after the “throw up all over Zig’s floor” scandal and the fact that none of us ever talk to him. Owen will take his place this season and for the foreseeable future.

All Time Standings:

1. Scott: 37-21 (.637)
   • 2-4 in four playoff appearances
2. Brendan: 32-26 (.551)
   •  5-1 in three playoff appearances
   • 2015 and 2019 DFFL Champion
3.  Zig: 23-20 (.534)
   • 2 playoff appearances in 3 seasons
   • 1 championship appearance (runner-up 2016)
4.  Billy: 30-27 (.526)
   • 2-3 in three playoff appearances
   • 1 championship appearance (runner-up 2017)
5. Kaden: 27-27 (.500)
   • 2017 DFFL Champion
   • 2-0 in one playoff appearance
6.  Gabe: 27-27 (.500)
   • 0-2 in two playoff appearances
7.  Barge: 26-28 (.481)
   • 0-2 in two playoff appearances
8. Mas: 27-31 (.465)
   • 5-1 in two playoff appearances
   • 2016 DFFL Champion
9. Bobandy: 25-30 (.454)
   • First playoff birth in 2018
   • 1 championship appearance (runner-up 2018)
10. Jake: 24-30 (.444)
    • 0-2 in two playoff appearances
11. Reddo: 22-31 (.415)
    • 0-1 in single playoff birth (2015)
12. Owen: 0-0 (.000)
    • Owen has yet to record a win or loss (L) in the DFFL

 

Draft Recap and Team Summary

Disclaimer:

my grades were pretty much all terrible last year so maybe just expect the opposite of what I predict

 

1. Mason Carruthers

Team Name: My Dad Beat Me Ad Left 4 Cigs

First 5 picks:

• Saquon Barkley (1)
• George Kittle (24)
• Adam Thielen (25)
• Josh Gordon (48)
• Phillip Lindsay (49)

After back to back sensational seasons in which he won 19 games including a DFFL championship in 2016, it has been the opposite of smooth sailing for the Pinckney High School football legend over the last two seasons. A combination of injuries and poor drafting have led Mas to an 8-18 record since the start of 2017.

Mas auto-picked at least 5 of his picks to kick of the 2019 campaign. Nobody was quite sure of his whereabouts, but some speculate he was either partaking in the act of fornicating (fucking) or possibly smoking weed (marijuana). In any case, Mason selected Saquon Barkley first overall, which was essentially a forgone conclusion even if he wasn’t autopicking at the point. This team is thin at RB and has plenty of question marks at WR. He’ll need a breakout season from Josh Gordon and a big year from George Kittle if he hopes to turn things around in 2019.

Best Pick: Saquon Barkley

Worst Pick: Josh Gordon

Sleeper/Breakout: Curtis Samuel

Grade: B-

Team Name Grade: B+

2. Andy Bobandy

Team Name: The Escape Clause

First 5 picks:

• Christian McCaffrey (2)
• Derrick Henry (23)
• Zach Ertz (26)
• Chris Godwin (47)
• Dante Pettis (50) ????

Bobandy exploded on to the scene in 2018 after essentially being the laughing stock of the league for his first 3 seasons. The Implication finished in 2nd place in the regular season and in the final standings after coming up just a bit (70.3 points) short in the championship game against Brendan. 2018 was Bobandy’s first winning season, first playoff birth, and first championship appearance.

Christian McCaffrey will headline Bobandy’s squad in 2019. After selecting David Johnson number 1 overall in 2018, Bobandy decided to go with a white guy this year.

“We’re gonna follow the same formula as last year: hope a top player from outside our system falls into our hands because besides the white people, this team is ass.” – Randy Bobe

Andy Man went heavy on RB’s early and the faded back to WR’s later on. I personally fucking despise Derrick Henry, but others seem to like him as a player. The most puzzling pick for Andy was Dante Pettis at number 50. Pettis’ ADP on ESPN is currently sitting at 133.1, meaning that Bobe could’ve hypothetically waited at least another 6-7 rounds to snag him. He must know something about Pettis that we don’t. Besides essential production from both Pettis and Chris Godwin, Bobandy’s late round RB’s, Lesean McCoy and Jaylen Samuels (if James Connor goes down) are two guys that could make a difference. Even with two top RB’s Bobandy may struggle to find consistency from his pass catchers.

Best Pick: Christian McCaffrey, Zach Ertz

Worst Pick: Dante Pettis

Sleeper/Breakout: James Washington

Grade: B

Team Name Grade: S++++++++

3. Owen Simlar

Team Name: Pony Express

First 5 Picks:

• Ezekiel Elliot (3)
• Antonio Brown (22)
• Kerryon Johnson (27)
• Mike Williams (46)
• Cooper Kupp (51)

Not much to write about Owen’s previous seasons in the DFFL because he is currently the rookie of the league. What I do know about Owen from other experiences is that he is very savvy when it comes to all fantasy sports and he specializes in breaking glass and not making moves on women who are clearly interested in him. Welcome to the DFFL Owen!

The news of Ezekiel Elliot’s huge contract extension couldn’t have come at a better time for Owen as he was able to safely select him without any fear of a possible holdout. The recent news of a possible Antonio Brown suspension feels quite the opposite. If AB wasn’t such a dumbass clown, Owen’s squad could be loaded with two potential top 3 players at their position, but for now AB remains a wild card. Pony Express is one of the strongest teams in the league on the ground lead by Zeke and potential motor city breakout Kerryon Johnson. Austin Ekeler leading the ground attack in LA is also a huge boost. Cooper Kupp and Antonio Brown could be a huge boost for this squad, but consistency may be an issue with Kupp coming off an ACL tear and Antonio Brown acting like a 4 year old.

Best Pick: Kerryon Johnson/Zeke

Worst Pick: Antonio Brown

Sleeper/Breakout: Delanie Walker

Grade: A-

Team Name Grade: B

4. Gabe Nulsen

Team Name: Ricky Spanish

First 5 Picks:

• Alvin Kamara (4)
• Mike Evans (21)
• Josh Jacobs (28)
• Tyler Lockett (45)
• Marlon Mack (52)

Despite setting a DFFL record in 2018 with 1718.4 total points scored (132.2 ppg), Gabe’s squad squeaked into the playoffs at 7-6 and was booted out of the first round by Scott. Anyone who was around Gabe during the many months of mind boggling losses knows one thing and one thing only. Gabe is a whiny ass pussy.

Gabe was able to draft Alvin Kamara with the 4th pick and he’s the only member of the DFFL to ever own Kamara. He also returns Mike Evans from last years failing squad but went a different direction taking Seahawks WR Tyler Lockett and Oakland rookie RB Josh Jacobs. This team has a chance to be good at the most important positions, but will remain one of the weakest at TE. Josh Jacobs is the X-factor on this team and he’ll need to play well in order to get him into the playoffs for a third straight year.

Best Pick: Alvin Kamara

Worst Pick: Deshaun Watson

Sleeper/Breakout: Devin Singletary

Grade: Obviously my team is the best you fucking nerds S+++++++++++

Team Name Grade: The best name

5. Kaden Zemper

Team Name: The Trash Man

First 5 Picks:

• DeAndre Hopkins (5)
• Dalvin Cook (20)
• Leonard Fournette (29)
• Patrick Mahomes (44)
• Allen Robinson (53)

Kaden is the epitome of highs and lows. He’s had 3 bad seasons, including on REALLY bad season in 2016, but he also won the championship in 2017 and set a DFFL record in wins with thirteen (13).  Last season was disappointing for Kaden due to the loss or lack thereof Le’Veon Bell. A bounce back season will only be possible if his top picks don’t randomly decide to not play at all.

The Trash Man was able to snag the top wideout in the game in Hopkins with pick number 5. Hopkins is one of the most consistent WR’s in the NFL and can breakout for 30+ on literally any given week. His RB’s are terrifying due to the fact that they are both extremely injury prone. Kaden decided to roll the dice on both Cook and Fournette despite the fact that both of them are coming off of injury plagued, inefficient seasons. While they may be wildcards, the talent of those two guys are there and they both have the opportunity to explode. A healthy quartet of Hopkins, Cook, Fournette, and Mahomes is bad news for the rest of the league

Best Pick: DeAndre Hopkins, Leonard Fournette

Worst Pick: Allen Robinson

Sleeper/Breakout: Tevin Coleman

Grade: B+

Team Name Grade: A

6. Blake Przysiecki

Team Name: Kareem My Jeans

First 5 Picks:

• David Johnson (6)
• Travis Kelce (19)
• Amari Cooper (30)
• Kenny Golladay (43)
• Derrius Guice (54)

Zig came back down to earth after back to back playoff seasons to begin his DFFL career (Missed 2015, drunk). It was a disappointing 2018 for Zig which saw Emmanuel Sanders go down with a season ending injury and a suspension for his first round pick Kareem Hunt down the stretch of important games. Still, Zig is a proven winner heading into his fourth season. He has the third highest winning % in the league and has appeared in a DFFL title game.

It’s tough to get a read of exactly how a team will perform right after the draft, but Zig’s team looks to be stacked at nearly every position. Recent news suggests that Derrius Guice will be starting on the Redskins, which is huge for Zig who is leaning on Guice as his RB2. David Johnson should play better in the new offensive system and has the potential to return to RB1 form. Kelce and Amari Cooper were steals where Zig drafted them (19-30) and both of them should put up big numbers this season. From what I can tell, this roster has the fewest holes and barring any big injuries, Zig should be competing again this year.

Best Pick: Travis Kelce

Worst Pick: Peyton Barber

Sleeper/Breakout: Dede Westbrook

Grade: A

Team Name Grade: B+

7. Tyler Barge

Team Name: SOONER RED

First 5 Picks:

• Todd Gurley (7)
• Keenan Allen (18)
• Sony Michel (31)
• Melvin Gordon (42)
• DJ Moore (55)

Barge came out of the gates like a piss missile in 2018 starting the season 6-1 and dominating all opponents that dare stand in the way of his offensive juggernaut. Unfortunatley he would go on to lose 6 of his last 7 and limp into the playoffs only to be absoutley blasted by former DFFL owner Colin Roeofs. What was a promising start turned into yet another mediocre season for Barge, who has yet to eclipse 8 wins in any season.

Despite being let down late in the season by Todd Gurley last year, Barge decided to roll the dice on Gurley again knowing that the knee injury could be a problem. Gurley was far from the biggest risk Barge took in that draft however as he then selected Melvin Gordon in the 4th round. Gordon is currently holding out, but is a clear cut RB1 when active and healthy. If Gordon gets traded or signs, this will be an amazing value pick for Barge who will have two RB1’s highlighting his team. While Gordon is still sitting, this team will have a tough time scoring points leaning heavily on Sony Michel and DJ Moore to produce high end numbers.

Best Pick: Sony Michel

Worst Pick: DJ Moore

Sleeper/Breakout: Justice Hill

Grade: C+ (A- if Gordon plays)

Team Name Grade: B+

8. Billy Norton

Team Name: Blitz Cock

First 5 Picks:

• Le’Veon Bell (8)
• Odell Beckham Jr. (17)
• Chris Carson (32)
• Robert Woods (41)
• Evan Engram (56)

Much like Barge last season, Billy also started the year off 6-1 before spiraling out of control to six more losses and a first round playoff exit. Although it was a disappointing end to the season, Billy has quietly been one the most successful managers in the league with three playoff appearances and a championship appearance under his belt. He sits in 4th place in all time winning % entering year 5 of the DFFL.

“This year is all about finishing, last year we didn’t have that mentality and stalled out. But we are all in this time and how we built this team shows that. With Golden and Kareem coming late there’s no way we collapse at the end.” – Billy Norton

Billy kicked off 2019 by selecting Le’Veon Bell with the 8th overall pick. Bell sat out his entire final season in Shittsburgh and will now begin a new chapter with the Jets. It remains to be seen if he’ll be able to reestablish himself as a top three RB, but it appears as if the same workload will be there. Blitz Cock went with a balanced draft going RB, WR, RB, WR, TE with his first five picks. Chris Carson has the ability to be the steal of the draft, but Damien Williams in the 6th round is a strong candidate for that accolade as well. Draft experts are scared of LeSean McCoy’s presence, but Williams is the lead guy still and is younger and better in the air attack. Also look for Evan Engram to have a big year after an injury riddled 2018. Odell Beckham may not be able to mimic his numbers with the huge number of offensive playmakers that the Browns have, but his floor is still very high. Billy’s team should have no problems winning games if his team stays healthy.

Best Pick: Damien Williams

Worst Pick: Honestly liked every single pick based on availbility and value

Sleeper/Breakout: Darrell Henderson

Grade: A

Team Name Grade: A

9. Brendan Cach

Team Name: Protect the Shield

First 5 Picks:

• Davante Adams (9)
• Tyreek Hill (16)
• Devonta Freeman (33)
• T.Y. Hilton (40)
• James White (57)

What more can you say about Berny and fantasy football? The championship titles alone speak for themselves, but what is perhaps most impressive is that he also holds the record for worst regular season record of all time. He went 2-11 in 2017 and followed it up with a 12-3 record in 2018. That’s a 10 win improvement for any of you math nuts out there. Brendan is currently 2nd in the league in win % and owns two titles, I’d say the shield remains protected.

Brenda went heavy on WR with his first two picks and got two of the best in the game. Both Adams and Hill are consistently explosive players and nearly matchup proof. Devonta Freeman is a guy that we know can be elite, but he’s coming off a disappointing injury in 2018 and is surrounded with question marks as the season begins. Obviously from here Brendan will look for his WR trio of Adams, Hill, and Hilton to carry the load, but it will be essential for Devonta Freeman to at least be a top 15 RB for Brenda to win his third title in five years. James White also has a major responsibility on this team with only Tarik Cohen and Frank Gore backing him up.

Best Pick: Tyreek Hill

Worst Pick: Jared Cook

Sleeper/Breakout: Josh Allen

Grade: B+

Team Name Grade: B

10. Jake Katschor

Team Name: Slaking’s Dong

First 5 Picks:

• Michael Thomas (10)
• Joe Mixon (15)
• Aaron Jones (34)
• Mark Ingram (39)
• Alshon Jeffrey (58)

Da Peen Man is coming off a relatively embarrassing season in which he was winless until week 6 and proceeded to go 1-9 in the first ten weeks. It was a miserable season for Peenman but it ended on a rather high note as he finished the season 3-0 which included two wins against playoff teams (Billy & Scott). Despite the abysmal year that drew many laughs from the other players, Jake has proven he can win in the past. He has two playoff appearances and finished the 2016 season 10-3 with a first round bye. Jake is also the only player in the league to draw two byes, but has failed to win a playoff game. Is this finally the year that Da Peenman breaks free?

With the 10th pick in the 2019 DFFL draft, Jake selected New Orleans WR and athletic beast, Michael Thomas. Thomas was disgusting last season and should have no problem hooking up with Drew Brees for another 1400 yards and 10+ TD’s. Joe Mixon is a guy who really packs a punch, he lead the AFC in rushing last season despite running behind a bunch of fat clowns last season. Aaron Jones runs like a bowling ball, but sometimes the Packers seemed to willingly go away from him. Look for the new coaching staff to get him the ball more. I like this team, but it will rely on Mark Ingram to carry a large load for his new team in Baltimore and Alshon Jeffery to stay healthy. If those two things are at all possible, Jake should have a clean peen this season.

Best Pick: Michael Thomas

Worst Pick: Alshon Jeffrey

Sleeper/Breakout: Christian Kirk

Grade: B+

Team Name Grade: S+

11. Scott Fucking Bankes

Team Name: Don’t Fuckle With Shuckle

First 5 Picks:

• Julio Jones (11)
• Juju-Smith Schuster (14)
• David Montgomery (35)
• Stefon Diggs (38)
• OJ Howard (59)

Doesn’t this guy just piss you off? Honestly I’ve literally never looked at Scott during football season at a moment where he’s NOT beating his meat to his fantasy team. Not to mention he hasn’t changed his team name in like… 3 years? Who knows, I don’t even care. Anyway, Scott comes into year 5 of the DFFL with the highest winning percentage by far and the only team to never miss the playoffs. The problem is that Scott has never won a championship, or even reached a championship despite all of the regular season winning. It’s like if Kirk Cousins and Andy Dalton had a baby filled with their ability to win important games. It’s year 5 and something has to give. Will Scott finally breakthrough and take the glory? Or will his team.. (gasp)… SUCKKKKKKK

Scott decided to change up his draft strategy and lean heavy on the WR position this season. In turn he also said fuck RB’s and just pretty much seemed to ignore the position completely. I don’t hate David Montgomery, but there’s something about drafting a rookie RB in a crowded backfield that feels unsettling. Kenyan Drake and Matt Breida are viable RB2/3 players, but neither of them are exactly reliable from week to week. Scott is very high on OJ Howard, but the Tampa Bay offense is littered with scoring options in the passing game. OJ is good, but he needs to be really good to pickup for the lack of RB points. Juju will be leaned on heavily this season by Scott and the Steelers, hopefully the fat rapist Will Ferrell looking dude isn’t too old to sling him the pigskin.

Best Pick: Stefon Diggs

Worst Pick: Juju Smith-Schuster

Breakout/Sleeper: Rashaad Penny

Grade: B

Team Name Grade: C

12. Hunter Redding

Team Name: Pimp’n Ain’t Breesy

First 5 Picks:

• James Connor (12)
• Nick Chubb (13)
• Julian Edelmn (36)
• Brandin Cooks (37)
• Tyler Boyd (60)

Last and statistically speaking, least, we have Reddo who leads the DFFL in losses (31) and engagements (2). Reddo has finished with a record of 5-8 in each of the last three seasons and has just one playoff appearance and zero playoff wins. At this point, Reddo is looking to clean the slate and start fresh in his 5th year in the DFFL. Bobandy labored through 3 terrible seasons before finally pushing through last year, perhaps it is Reddo’s turn to make some noise.

Reddo took a pair of AFC North RB’s with his first couple picks selecting James Connor and Nick Chubb. Both are young, explosive, high ceiling players who will be running behind strong OL’s this season. Both also get to face the Bengals twice which means they’re guaranteed to score at least 30 points twice hahahahhahaha…. ha ..ha ..haha…ha… 😦

In the third round Reddo selected Julian Edelman who is a very valuable PPR wideout and continues to be Tom Brady’s favorite target year in and year out. Look for Edelman to see a big target share with a lot of catches and a lot of yards. Many thought Brandin Cooks couldn’t excel in the Rams offense, many were wrong. Cooks is a very solid WR2 and should pair up nicely for Reddo next to Edelman and Tyler Boyd. Duke Johnson is a sneaky good pickup now that he’s been traded to Houston and Latavius Murray is a very valuable handcuff. Look for Reddo to win more than 5 games this year behind a very strong rushing attack and a consistent but not elite air attack.

Best Pick: Nick Chubb/Julian Edelman

Worst Pick: Duke Johnson (only because I prefer Drake to Johnson)

Sleeper/Breakout: Kalen Ballage

Grade: A-

Team Name Grade: B

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

While the importance of the draft cannot be overstated enough, we cannot forget that being savvy on the waiver wire can often make or break a fantasy team. Picking up players on waivers can sometimes be just as stressful as drafting players and spotting the potential difference makers down the road takes a keen eye. Last year Alvin Kamara was the consensus waiver pickup of the year among all fantasy leagues. Kamara was probably the sole reason that House Targaryen was able to go 10-3 last season, but who’s cashed in on the waiver wire this year? Let’s take a look at the top waiver wire adds of the 2018 season.

5. TE Jared Cook (Blitz Cock)

Position Rank: 5

PPG: 10.4

Replacement: (No other TE’s rostered)

Analysis:

What a pickup by Billy after totally striking out on the Jack Doyle pick. Cook has been been quite literally the only player on the Raiders worth starting and Billy was the beneficiary of a surprising year by the former Gamecock. Without Jared Cook, Billy would be totally lost at tight end.

4. WR Tyler Boyd (The Italian Stallion)

Position Rank: 15

PPG: 13.8

Replacement: Allen Robinson (WR44)

Analysis:

Boyd is enjoying a nice breakout campaign despite a horrendous Bengals offense. He is currently averaging nearly 14 points per game and leading all non-drafted receivers with 152 points this season. He has been a strong flex play for Gabe this year especially considering his backup flex options are Marlon Mack and Allen Robinson.

3. TE Eric Ebron (Lord Mattis)

Position Rank: 3

PPG: 13.2

Replacement: Rob Gronkowski (TE13)

Analysis:

Another great pickup at the TE position. This time Reddo is the beneficiary of a breakout season by a tight end. Indianapolis has been nothing but a joy for Ebron this year. He’s seeing just how nice it is to have a real QB throwing him the ball.

2. RB Phillip Lindsay (Lord Mattis)

Position Rank: 11

PPG: 13.7

Replacement: Latavius Murray (RB23)

Analysis:

Phillip Lindsay is a total legend. I heard that he still lives in his parents basement? Can anyone confirm this? Because if so he’s definitely my new favorite player in the league. Imagine playing smash bros in your parents basement on Saturday night and then waking up and driving to mile high stadium on Sunday to go play an NFL football game. That’s the life I want. Lindsay has been a beast this season, especially over the last few weeks. RB’s are extremely limited and valuable in this league and Lindsay is a legit RB2.

1. RB James Connor (The Implication)

Position Rank: 6

PPG: 20.3

Replacement: Dion Lewis (RB25)

Analysis:

James Connor is the clear 2018 version of the 2017 Alvin Kamara with a little extra sauce. Bobandy totally struck gold with this pick and he’s really lucky too because he drafted fucking David Johnson over Todd Gurley who is now ceding goaline work to Chase Edmunds. Connor has carried Bobandy all season long while Le’Veon Bell decided he was worth too much money, but he sustained an injury against the Chargers last night and his health may be in question for what looks to be an exciting first round of the playoffs

This week I’ll be doing this recap a bit differently. Instead of using my traditional format, I’ll be focusing more on the playoff race and what each team has to do to secure a playoff birth and what they’ll need to win in the playoffs. Week 10 has come and gone and we are under three weeks from the end of the regular season. The league’s new wild card format has made this upcoming race interesting and the battle for the number one overall seed and a bye might be bloodier than the battle of the bastards.

It feels like just yesterday I was live streaming the draft lottery at Zig’s house. Many of us were hopeful; dreaming of the perfect fantasy lineup that could conquer the world if it wanted to. After draft night, all of us boarded the same ship knowing that we may never set foot on land again. Jake was the first to go. He went 8 million dollars in debt after one trip to the mall with his girlfriend so he  jumped overboard and yelled “Fuck Derrick Henry.” A most honorable death. After Jake was eliminated, Mason was the next to go. His arms and legs fell off his body and on top of that, he’s also a dolphins fan. He bought new arms and legs but unfortunately those fell off too and the poor little nugget was swept overboard by a gust of wind. Kaden was also gone soon after. One year prior he had survived the entire expedition and claimed the riches and glory that a DFFL champion deserves. He went to Pittsburgh and spent those riches on an ancient relic known as “The Bell of fantasy wins.” He thought this would bring him more glory, but the Bell would not chime unless more riches were paid. This saddened Kaden, so he injected himself with malaria and was thrown overboard. Nine of us remain, but our future is uncertain. Let’s take a look at what each team must do if they are to claim what hides in the promised land.

 

Playoff Picture

1. Protect The Shield (8-2)

Points: 122.73 (4th)

Playoff Percentage: 100%

Current Opponent: Bye

Strengths: QB, TE

Weaknesses: RB

Trending: ↑↑

Outlook:

Brendan is essentially the first to clinch a playoff birth although with the new playoff system there is an absolutely absurd path that could knock him out of the playoffs that I have deemed statistically impossible. Brendan has not only made it through this season without an elite RB, he’s excelled without one. A strategy that I criticized in the preseason has definitely paid off due to the emergence of Kerryon Johnson and the consistency of Tevin Coleman. Out of the three players that drafted receivers in the first round, Brendan is the only one currently expected to make the playoffs. Winning in the playoffs without a true RB1 could prove to be challenging for Brendan and he’ll need a healthy AJ Green if he wants to be the first team to win two DFFL titles. A first round bye would be very beneficial.

2. Zig is a bitch (7-3)

Points: 123.63 (2nd)

Playoff Percentage: 100%

Current Opponent: #7 Astro Dumpster (5-5)

Strengths: Star Players

Weaknesses: QB, WR2, RB2

Trending: ↑↑

Outlook:

The biggest shit talker in the league finally has a team to back it up! This was a team that I actually predicted to be great in the preseason and this time it appears I was correct. Barge currently has four players that are number 1 at their position. FOUR!! Now granted two of them are Bears D/ST and Will Lutz, but getting an average of nearly 25 points per game from those positions is a luxury that most people don’t have. Speaking of luxuries, how about Todd Gurley and Tyreek Hill? Both number 1 at their position and averaging 45.3 points per game. Those two have the potential to go off for 60-70 points in any given week which is what makes Barge so dangerous. His ultimate downfall could be the lack of production he gets from his other players. His next best WR is Calvin Ridley who is currently WR20. His next best RB is Matt Breida who is currently RB16. Kyle Rudolph has not scored in double figures since week three. To win in the playoffs, Barge will continue to need huge weeks from his top players in addition to solid contributions from the role players.

3. Tiny Rick (7-3)

Points: 123.53 (3rd)

Playoff Percentage: 100%

Current Opponent: #6 Blitz Cock (6-4)

Strengths: RB, TE, The Saints

Weaknesses: Flex

Trending: ↑↑

Outlook:

Colin is only one of two DFFL players that have never made the playoffs but that drought is about to end with a monsoon. Colin is currently 7-3 and his team is playing great football at the right time. He has a very strong core of Drew Brees, Melvin Gordon, and Michael Thomas. The emergence of Aaron Jones could be a huge difference maker in the playoffs and the return of Sony Michel could make Colin’s team impenetrable. This team has been so good lately that George Kittle, who is a beast, seems like a footnote. If this team is 100% healthy going into the playoffs, there aren’t many teams that can beat it.

4. The Implication (7-3)

Points: 116.51 (5th)

Playoff Percentage: 95%

Current Opponent: #5 Don’t Fuckle With Shuckle (7-3)

Strengths: RB, TE

Weaknesses:

Trending: ↑↓

Outlook:

After three years of nothing but misery, Bobandy finally has a good team. He also might have the most consistent team in the league. The Implication has scored no more than 135 points and no less than 107. The upside is that Bobandy is always at least giving himself a chance to win. The downside is that his inability to consistently exceed 120 points will make it hard to compete with the high scorers of the league. Bobandy is strongest at RB and TE and has good but not great players everywhere else. David Johnson finally broke out in week 10 and Bobandy will need more explosions from DJ if he hopes to take home the hardware.

5. Don’t Fuckle With Shuckle (7-3)

Points: 116.22 (6th)

Playoff Percentage: 95%

Current Opponent: #4 The Implication (7-3)

Strengths: QB, RB

Weaknesses: WR

Trending: ↑↓

Outlook:

Scott’s team was really hitting it’s stride during weeks 4-6 but has lately regressed back to the mean. They’re still putting up respectable numbers as a unit, but nothing that really jumps out at you. I just can’t help but think that Scott is just lurking in the jungle and taunting his prey by letting it live a while longer. There’s simply too much explosiveness on the team for it to be 6th in the league in points. I’m not saying Scott has the best team or even a really good team, but I do believe that is hasn’t quite peaked yet. Ezekiel Elliot and Joe Mixon are both capable of scoring every time they touch the ball. Andrew Luck and Jared Goff have been incredible late round picks as well. Scott’s main weaknesses are his pass catchers. Stefon Diggs has been good, but there isn’t a stable WR2 yet on Scott’s team and Jimmy Graham has been really bad lately. Scott just dumped the one dimensional Doug Martin to Reddo in exchange for Rob Gronkowski which could pay big dividends down the stretch. For Scott to win the league, he needs his QB’s to keep doing what they’ve been doing and he needs his three RB’s to perform at a high level.

6. Blitz Cock (6-4)

Points: 113.08 (7th)

Playoff Percentage: 84%

Current Opponent: #3 Tiny Rick (7-3)

Strengths: Star Players

Weaknesses: Role Players/Bench

Trending: ↓↓

Outlook:

Not many teams are colder than Blitz Cock right now. After a 6-1 start, Billy has lost three straight and hasn’t broken 100 since week 8. Like Barge, Billy gets most of his scoring from a few players. Patrick Mahomes, Saquon Barkley, and Adam Thielen account for more points than any QB/RB/WR trio in the league. The next best trio is Drew Brees, Melvin Gordon, and Michael Thomas on Colin’s team, which averages 25 points less than Billy’s big three. Those three players alone make Billy a dangerous team playoff team, but he’ll need more from the rest of his players if he wants to win it all. Alshon Jeffery must be more consistent down the stretch, but the player that I think can push Billy over the top would be a healthy Dalvin Cook. If he can finally get consistency at RB2, he’ll start to look like the 6-1 team we saw earlier his season again.

7. Astro Dumpster (5-5)

Points: 133.36 (1st)

Playoff Percentage: 97%

Current Opponent: #2 Zig is a bitch (7-3)

Strengths: QB, RB, WR,

Weaknesses: TE, Defense

Trending: ↑↑

Outlook:

This team has been a true anomaly of fantasy football. Astro Dumpster is on pace to demolish the season scoring record but only has five wins to show for it. Not only have they not been able to win a lot of games, they haven’t beaten a good team yet. Gabe is 5-0 against teams with a record under .500 and 0-5 against teams above .500. How does something like this happen? I really cannot say. He’s averaging nearly 120 ppg in his 5 losses this season which includes a 62.3 queef in week 5. Still, Astro Dumpster is taking full advantage of the new wild card system. They’re outscoring the other two wild card candidates by over 200 points with just three games to go. Gabe has top 10 players at every position and 3 receivers inside the top 15. Alvin Kamara and Christian McCaffrey are the highest scoring RB duo in the league to go along with a solid trio of Brandin Cooks, Mike Evans, and Tyler Boyd at WR. His ultimate weakness this season has been playing against teams that are having their best week. Like they always say, it doesn’t matter who you play it’s when you play them.

 

In the Hunt:

8. Lord Mattis (3-7)

Points: 112.99 (8th)

Playoff Percentage: 10%

Strengths: QB, TE

Weaknesses: RB

Trending: ↓↓

Outlook:

Reddo has been eliminated from getting a top 6 seed. He either needs to outscore Gabe by an average of 60 points per week or hope that Billy or Scott slide into the 7 seed where the wild card would be more reachable. A lot would need to happen for that scenario to arise though.

9. Lick My Pussy @bitchbarge (3-7)

Points: 112.47 (9th)

Playoff Percentage: 9%

Strengths: RB, QB, TE

Weaknesses: Not enough explosive players

Trending: ↓↓

Outlook:

Zig needs the same scenario that Reddo needs above. The chances are slim but we’ve seen crazier things happen. If Zig misses the playoffs it’ll be for the first time in franchise history.

Statistically Eliminated:

10. The Golden God (3-7)

11. Trade Me Your Worst Players (3-7)

12. The Peen Dream (1-9)