Alright bitches lets get this over with. I’ve got some major slob to catch tonight so it’s very important to me that I can shower early so that my flow is looking extra crisp when I sink my teeth into some fucking Jets deep dish pizza while I watch the New York Jets pipe down the Browns in many different positions. Here are my power rankings heading into week 3.
1. Zig is a Bitch (2-0)
Last week: 1↔
Nothing new to see here, Barge is only .2 off the league lead in points and carries a 2-0 record into week three. Look for high scoring and winning to be a common trend barring any injuries
2. Tiny Rick (2-0)
Last week: 4(↑2)
This was tough, you can make a case for Blitz Cock, Protect the Shield, or even the Full Bullpen into the number 2 spot, but for now we’ll give it to Colin because he’s 3rd in the league in points and has a 2-0 record
3. Protect The Shield (2-0)
Last week: 3↔
Brendan stays put in the three spot even after a down week because I believe his team has some unbelievably high scoring potential from week to week as long as Aaron Rodgers can stay healthy. HOT TAKE: Tevin Coleman will be a top 10 RB this season.
4. Blitz Cock (2-0)
Last week: 7(↑3)
Billy carries a 2-0 record into week three and is currently fourth in the league in scoring. I believe he’s right where he belongs for now, especially considering Patrick Mahomes simply can’t score 50 every week.
5. The Full Bullpen (1-1)
Last week: 5↔
Although currently the highest scoring team in the league, it’s tough to justify putting him ahead of the other 2-0 teams at the moment.
6. The Implication (1-1)
Last week: 8(↑2)
After a great week two, Bobandy is less than five points behind Blitz Cock and Protect The Shield and only ten behind Tiny Rick. If David Johnson can return to his 2016 form it’ll be deep trouble for the rest of the league.
7. The Golden God (1-1)
Last week: 6(↓1)
A lackluster week two resulted in a loss for Kaden’s team, but at least he gets Carson Wentz back this week (who he’s currently not starting). Can Ryan Fitzmagic vault Kaden to a 2-1 start?? we’ll see. For now Kaden still needs help at RB. James White is currently the highest scoring RB on his team. Le’Veon Bell anyone??
8. Lick My Pussy @bitchbarge (0-2)
Last week: 11(↑3)
Two tough luck losses for Blake in two weeks. statistics would tell you that he’s due for a win although he’s 8th in the league in scoring and averaging 114 ppg.
9. Don’t Fuckle With Shuckle (1-1)
Last week: 2(↓7)
Scott is the latest to take the plunge. A couple of injuries, a fair amount of uncertainty, and the fact that he’s currently 11th in the league in scoring at just 106.3 ppg are what has Scott so low. Luckily most of his injuries appear to be temporary so we’ll have to check back with Scott around week 5ish when he’s back at full strength.
10. Lord Mattis (0-2)
Last week: 9(↓1)
Reddo had a decent week last week, but I fear that he will suffer from inconsistency a lot this season. He currently has five questionable players and Devonta Freeman may lose more touches than expected. Matt Stafford has also been anything if not underwhelming
11. My Teams OVR Rating Is 71 (0-2)
Last week: 11(↓1)
Despite Brendan scoring just over 100 points, Mas still wasn’t able to pull out a win. He joins Jake as the only other team to score under 100 points in a week this season. A troubling trend that Mas will likely see more often than not.
12. This ferret
Last week: none↔
This ferret isn’t actually in the league and even if he was, he’d probably be pretty terrible considering he’s a fucking ferret.
13. Scary Terry (0-2)
Last week: 12(↓1)
Even a wild ferret has been more impressive than Jake’s fantasy team this season. After scoring just 77.7 ppg through the first two weeks, it’s officially panic time for Scary Terry.
We saw another fun week in the NFL as usual and another fun week in the DFFL. While this week wasn’t quite as high scoring as last week (thanks Jake), it was still a pretty damn explosive week. We saw another tie between the Packers and the Vikings, another amazing performance by Patrick Mahomes and some god fucking awful kicking. No matter what team you’re rooting for, it’s really hard to watch a kicker consistently struggle so badly. Zane Gonzalez and Daniel Carlson will be hoping that other teams require a kicker in the coming weeks, because their careers with the Browns and Vikings have come to an end. Kickers are so unique because almost all of them have the leg strength and accuracy to kick in the NFL for a long and prosperous career, but the most important part to kicking is having the mental capacity to perform in clutch situations. Rookie Daniel Carlson can probably hit 60 yard field goals regularly in practice, but last Sunday he missed three chip shots and none of them were even close. Poor kid…. anyway let’s take a look at the DFFL scoreboard from week 2..
It wasn’t a week filled with record breaking numbers like we saw in week one, but it was a great week in the DFFL nonetheless. Zig, Gabe, Barge, Reddo, Bobandy, Scott, and Billy all exceeded their week one totals. Gabe and Bobandy picked up their first win of the season while Reddo, Zig, Mas, and Jake all fell to 0-2. Gabe scored 143.1 points which is currently the highest score we’ve had through two weeks, and Jake scored 67.1 points which is by far the lowest score we’ve had this season. Let’s talk about the games from week 2 in the DFFL.
Blitz Cock 141.3 (2-0)
Scary Terry 67.1 (0-2)
I’m excited to talk about this matchup because it was an absolute beat down. One of the most lopsided games we’ve ever had, I mean a true hate fucking. Patrick Mahomes and Saquon Barkley outscored Jake’s entire team. Although Jake’s team was bad, credit Billy for having an awesome week. His 141.3 points were good for the 3rd highest total this week. Patrick Mahomes scored 50.3 points which accounted for 36% of Billy’s total points. The other 8 players on Billy’s team averaged 11.31 points and that includes a defense that scored -2. Billy doesn’t seem to have any problems at QB this season. Even his backup QB Andy Dalton scored 34 points against a respectable Ravens defense. He will look for more production out of his TE and flex play moving forward. Jake on the other hand will look for more production out of his QB, both RB’s both WR’s, his TE, his flex play, his kicker, and his D/ST.
Zig is a Bitch 143 (2-0)
Lord Mattis 121.1 (0-2)
A perfect start for Barge to begin the season and a not so ideal one for Reddo. Many predicted that Barge would have one of the top teams this season and so far his team has been everything that we expected. His team is one of only four that have exceeded the 140 point mark so far this season and one of only two teams that have reached 130 points in back to back weeks to begin the season. Todd Gurley and Tyreek Hill were fantastic again and it is also possible that Barge currently owns the top 2 defenses in the NFL. Matt Breida was fantastic and looks to be a viable flex option moving forward. No problems for Barge right now. As for Reddo, he actually had a pretty good week. 121.1 points is usually good enough to win most of the time, although a ton of those points were scored in garbage time against prevent defenses. Matt Stafford and Evan Engram were ghosts until late into the fourth quarter. Reddo seems to have found some decent RB’s who are both great pass catchers while Devonta Freman heals up and his WR’s were pretty good as well. He has four starters listed as Questionable going into week 3. He’s going to have to hope those guys play because an 0-3 start could dig his grave even deeper.
Protect The Shield 104.1 (2-0)
My Teams OVR Rating Is 71 90.4 (0-2)
Our lowest scoring matchup of week two was a thumb war between Brendan and Mas. While Mas exploded for over 126 points last week, it appears his team came back down to earth this week. His only really good performance was a 26.4 outing by DeShawn Watson. Everyone else on his team was pretty underwhelming including his bench. Unfortunately for Mas it looks like consistency will be hard to come by this season. Brendan also regressed considerably from his extremely high week one total but he was still able to exceed 100 points without Greg Zuerlein, who injured himself in the pregame. Brendan got -2 points from his special teams players, but got 106.1 (15.1 ppp) from his offensive unit. He has also seemed to find a consistent option at RB with Tevin Coleman, who could continue to see a big workload even when Devonta Freeman returns. Brendan is 2-0 going into week 3 and has a favorable matchup with Reddo.
The Implication 134 (1-1)
Don’t Fuckle With Shuckle 111.8 (1-1)
It was an awesome week for Bobandy whose 134 points are the highest total he’s EVER scored in a single week. Congrats to Bobandy on a new personal record! While moral victories are great, Bobandy’s team is poised to be a lot more than just a feel good story. He had five receivers exceed 17 points and a huge big bounce back week from Travis Kelce. The addition of James Connor was a major reason that this team is competitve, but the potential return of Le’Veon Bell will devastate Connor’s fantasy relevance. Bobandy needs more production out of David Johnson. Had he taken Todd Gurley like a normal person, he’d probably have the highest scoring team in the league right now and maybe even the best. Scott had another quiet week that was riddled by more injuries. Joe Mixon will miss at least one game, but possibly 3-4 more if he has any setbacks. Scott’s team still has plenty of talent, but between some pestering injuries and some mediocre performances, there is reason for concern. We’ll be able to get a better read on Scott’s team when everyone is healthy and playing again but for now his team currently ranks 11/12 in points. Those numbers must improve if he hopes to get to the playoffs for a fourth straight season.
Tiny Rick 120 (2-0)
The Golden God 101.2 (1-1)
Another winning week for Colin as he was able to comfortably take care of Kaden’s still shorthanded team. It’s become very clear that his squad will be paced by Melvin Gordon and Michael Thomas who have looked nothing short of fantastic through the front two weeks. Thomas has been a PPR machine, hauling in 28/30 targets in just two games which is an utterly ridiculous stat. He also has 269 yards and 3 touchdowns to go with that. Melvin Gordon has been no slouch either, scoring 50.7 points in the first two weeks. His 251.4 points are good for 3rd in the league and for Colin, this is exactly the type of start he was looking for. Kaden’s team regressed back down to average, where it will normally perform without Wentz and Bell in the lineup on most weeks. Luckily for Kaden, Wentz will make his return this week and should be a much better option at QB than Tyrod Taylor. I still believe that Kaden needs Le’Veon Bell at some point to be a serious title contender. Without Bell, Kaden is extremely vulnerable at RB and will lack much needed consistency. He’ll look to bounce back against Gabe in week 3.
The Full Bullpen 143.1 (1-1)
Lick My Pussy @bitchbarge 115.2 (0-2)
Going into this game, Gabe was a lifetime 0-4 against Zig in just two years of play and two of those games were decided by under three points. Finally, Gabe was able to beat Zig. The Full Bullpen had another impressive week scoring 143.1 points, good for the highest score of the week. That gives him a league leading 273.6 points through the front two weeks. There’s been no secrets or surprises to where Gabe is getting his scoring from. His top five picks (Kamara, McCaffrey, Evans, Cooks, and Newton) have carried the high scoring load as expected. This week he was even able to get valuable contributions from Devin Funchess and Trey Burton. When this team is firing on all cylinders, it’ll be tough to beat. Zig’s team was able to score 115.2 this week, but although he’s been able to exceed 110 points in the first two weeks, he’s gone up against the highest scoring teams of each week. Zig’s squad has not exploded by any means, but he’s been the victim of a tough luck loss in back to back weeks. His numbers were also inflated by a huge performance from Kirk Cousins who scored a whopping 41.5 points. The rest of his team scored just 73.7 points (9.21 ppp). If Zig wants any chance at winning this season, he’ll need better production from his top draft picks. A matchup with Mason in week 3 should help Zig get that first win he’s been searching for.
That just about does it for the recap of week 2. As always, I’m excited for week 3 and my power rankings will be available ahead of tomorrow’s Thursday night matchup between the Browns and the Jets. Just because I love watching the Browns be the Browns, here’s another hilarious Browns moment from one of their MNF games. 🙂
I woke up at 7:12 this morning feeling like a million bucks. Despite only 4.5 hours of sleep, I am still currently riding the energy from the Bengals win over the Ravens. On a Bengals gameday, I’m crippled with angst as I wait and wait for kickoff only to usually be frustrated for a couple of hours. Because my mind was so focused on the Bengals game, I totally forgot to do my week 2 power rankings. Last weeks power rankings were a total toss-up, and this week probably won’t be much different. We had so many ridiculous scores in week 1 that it has been tough to gauge where each team stands at the present moment and how promising their future looks. Now that I’m done rambling, here’s my week 2 power rankings…
1. Zig is a Bitch (1-0)
Preseason ranking: 1 ↔
Barge won last week and scored 130 points doing it. While his team looked a bit top heavy there’s no questioning its overall balance and explosiveness. Look for Barge to put up big numbers again this week
2. Don’t Fuckle With Shuckle (1-0)
Preseason ranking: 2↔
Scott’s team didn’t play all that great last week but they were still able to pull out the win. Marquise Goodwin should be back at full strength this week and Jimmy Graham SHOULD be able to exceed 1.8 points so for now, Scott holds the #2 spot.
3. Protect The Shield (1-0)
Preseason ranking: 8 (↑5)
Is this a bit of an overreaction? Maybe, but there’s no denying that Brendan’s team looked like an absolute unit last week. I’m not sold on his RB’s, but the receivers looked great and A.J. Green already exploded for 27.4 points in week 2. The biggest concern right now will be the health of Aaron Rodgers moving forward
4. Tiny Rick (1-0)
Preseason ranking: 7 (↑3)
Colin’s group looked explosive in week one scoring 131.4 points and securing a close win over The Full Bullpen. Drew Brees and Michael Thomas were phenomenal and Melvin Gordon wasn’t too shabby either. This is another explosive group with plenty of balance and some depth on the bench. Colin will look to his bench to replace Doug Baldwin in week 2.
5. The Full Bullpen (0-1)
Preseason ranking: 4 (↓1)
This unit also looked very strong in week one scoring 130.5 points in a loss to Tiny Rick. Alvin Kamara scored an astronomical 38.6 points and while he isn’t likely to score that highly every week, Cam Newton and Christian McCaffrey are likely to exceed there week 1 totals on a regular basis. Gabe will need Trey Burton to be more effective going forward.
6. The Golden God (1-0)
Preseason ranking: 12 (↑6)
Kaden’s team looked fantastic in week 1 scoring 134.7 points, second-most in the league. I’m still hesitant to rank him among the top teams because the Le’Veon Bell situation is troubling and Wentz’s health is still up in the air. Without those two Kaden’s team is still good, but it lacks the star power that consistently high scoring teams possess.
7. Blitz Cock (1-0)
Preseason ranking: 6(↓1)
Billy’s team was okay in week 1, but it definitely left a lot to be desired. I fully expect Billy’s RB’s to deliver for him this season but it will come down to his QB’s and whether he will be able to start the right one. Unless Mahomes scores 34+ points, Billy will be 0/2 in that category
8. The Implication (0-1)
Preseason ranking: 10 (↑2)
I really wanted to put Bobandy at 7 but I didn’t have the balls to do it. Despite absolutely trashing this team in the preseason, I now believe this team is actually pretty good. The addition of James Connor was huge, and Andrew Luck looked very comfortable throwing the ball in the direction of T.Y. Hilton. As long as his defense doesn’t score in the negatives every week, Bobandy should always be competing.
9. Lord Mattis (0-1)
Preseason ranking: 5 (↓5)
Didn’t love what I saw from this group in week 1. Devonta Freeman looked a bit slow and with Tevin Coleman already playing a decent role in the offense, it could mean fewer snaps for Freeman if he’s banged up or being outperformed. Matt Stafford looked awful but at least he can’t get any worse than he was. Evan Engram’s ceiling looks a lot lower with the return of Odell Beckham and the addition of Saquon Barkley. This is an important week for Reddo’s team.
10. My Teams OVR Rating is 71 (0-1)
Preseason ranking: 11 (↑1)
Mason actually had a very good week scoring 126.1 points but unfortunately, he ran into Barge’s team who was able to take the lead for good late into the Monday night games. Despite the high scoring total, I’m still not quite sold on Mason’s team. I really don’t expect Jay Ajayi and Kenny Stills to be consistently high scorers on a week to week basis, but if they are, watch out. Deshaun Watson will need to take on a huge chunk of the scoring load for Mason to be consistent.
11. Lick My Pussy @bitchbarge (0-1)
Preseason ranking: 9 (↓2)
Zig wasn’t bad in week 1, but if it weren’t for a late garbage time pick six by the Rams, he would’ve barely broken 100 points. Zig’s receivers were fantastic, but the RB’s were pretty poopy and both of them have backups that will likely see a decent share of snaps. The Greg Olsen injury is an even larger concern. It’s the same foot he injured last season and he’ll be out for a long while. Zig will look to Adrian Peterson to spark the offense in week 2.
12. Scary Terry (0-1)
Preseason ranking: 3 (↓9)
This was a really bad week one in a lot of ways for Jake starting with injuries to Leonard Fournette and Delanie Walker. Fournette should be okay, but Walker is out for the year and I’m not sure that Tyler Eifert is capable of filling that void. Derrick Henry didn’t look good and the fact that Dion Lewis received more snaps and touches than Henry is a really bad sign for his fantasy relevance. I blame the quietness of Amari Cooper on Derek Carr because my god did he look terrible throwing the ball. The Rams defense is tough at every position so look for Cooper to at least bounce back a little. Jake’s team was the only team to score under 100 points and they couldn’t even reach 90. He certainly has the most to prove going into week 2.
Wow. Football is back folks, back in a big way. In case you didn’t notice, this was an absolutely crazy week in the NFL. We saw the Browns and the Steelers tie, which was the first time we’ve had a week 1 tie since OT was introduced into the NFL. The Bucs and the Saints combined for 98 points, the highest point total EVER for a week one game. We also saw the Titans and the Dolphins play the longest game in NFL history at seven hours, 10 minutes. If you were boycotting the NFL this week, that fucking sucks.
Let’s move on to fantasy football..
Here’s how the highly anticipated week one of the DFFL played out this past weekend. Much like the NFL games, many of these fantasy football games were equally as crazy. We had three games decided within five points, and one game decided by less than a point. (I’m sad). We also set a DFFL record this week. Not only did we set the record for most points in the opening week, we set the record for most points ever scored in a week with 1408.7 points shattering the previous record of 1344.7 set in week 11 of the 2017 season. We also set a record of 11/12 teams scoring over 100 points in a week. Bitch Jake was the only one who couldn’t reach the century mark. The previous record was 8/12 set in week 11 of 2017. Besides the fact that we set a bunch of records that are pretty much meaningless, we also learned that I have no clue what I’m talking about. Many of the teams that I projected to have a rough go of it were super impressive in week one (Brendan, Mas, Bobandy, Kaden) while teams I ranked near the top were rather subpar (Billy, Reddo, Scott, Jake). So before you keep reading, just keep in mind that I’m extremely daft. Let’s talk about what we saw..
Don’t Fuckle With Shuckle 100.8 (1-0)
Scary Terry 88.4 (0-1)
We’ll begin the recaps with the least explosive game of the week. Scott and Jake posted the two lowest scores of the week and both squads left a lot to be desired. Scott however, has a lot less to be concerned about. He got a rare bad outing from Jimmy Graham, and a minor injury to Goodwin which likely won’t force him to miss any extended time. Andrew Luck and Joe Mixon looked terrific. Luck had a tremendous game against the Bengals and he should only get better from here. If I’m Jake right now, I’m a bit stressed out. Derrick Henry was a total non-factor and was outperformed by Dion Lewis. If the Titans are behind in a lot of games, Henry will have a hard time even sniffing the field. Luckily Leonard Fournette’s injury is being called “day to day” so his return could surge a much needed boost back into the lineup. Delanie Walker’s season is finished. He suffered a horrible leg injury and now Jake will look to Tyler Eifert to fill the void. Jake gotsome good outings from Tyler Lockett and Isaiah Crowell off the bench though so he can calmly take his hand off the panic button for now.
The Golden God 134.7 (1-0)
The Implication 107.1 (0-1)
No Carson Wentz? No Le’Veon Bell? No problem! The defending champion whipped out his golden dick this week and exploded all over Bobandy for a fantastic 134.7 points. Kaden didn’t have anyone score over 25 points, but a nice and balanced attack made him the second highest scorer of the week and he was able to do it without his first round pick. Although Kaden had a great week, we can’t ignore the week Bobandy had either. 107.1 points is a very respectable number, especially when you consider that Bobandy is notorious for having god fucking awful teams with the talent of a 6th grade girl with no arms or legs. He got a combined -6.3 from Travis Kelce, Chris Hogan, and Saints D/ST which means that he had six players average 17.85 points. Obviously those abhorrent games aren’t going to happen every week, so keep an eye on both of these teams to make a run in the coming weeks. It’s all part of the D.E.N.N.I.S. System.
Protect The Shield 140.4 (1-0)
Lick My Pussy @bitchbarge 112.9 (0-1)
Our fearless commissioner Brendan Cach was our highest scoring player this week and was easily able to take care of Zig. In my preview of Brendan’s team, I noted that his weakness will be at running back and it would appear that for the moment, I was right. The duo of Tevin Coleman and Kerryon Johnson only managed 16.2 points between them, however, Brendan’s receiving corps was outstanding. Between very nice outings from AJ Green, Antonio Brown, Golden Tate and a huge day from Aaron Rodgers, it’s easy to see why he was able to exceed 140 points. Ravens D/ST also scored 17 points and Legatron scored 16. Keep in mind that the Raven’s don’t get to face the Bills every week, also there has to be some concern about Aaron Rodgers going forward. That knee injury did not look good, and ARodg looked high as shit off painkillers in his post game interview. For Zig, this week was kinda mehh. He got some great games by Emmanuel Sanders and Keenan Allen, but his RB’s were pretty poopy. Kareem Hunt was a non-factor and the return of Spencer Ware should also be concerning. Zig may need AP to fall back on if they start splitting carries. Worst of all for Zig, Greg Olsen re-injured his foot and will miss extended time. Benjamin Watson is the only other TE on Zig’s roster.
Blitz Cock 104 (1-0)
Lord Mattis 102 (0-1)
Good fucking grief Matt Stafford. All you had to do was not fuck up and Reddo would’ve won. Stafford could’ve played even slightly under mediocre and Reddo still would’ve won, but instead he turned in one of the worst performances I’ve seen from him in his entire career. It was brutal to watch and he wasn’t even the worst QB last night.. (Looking at you Derek Carr). Anyway, neither of these teams were all that impressive in week one. Chris Thompson was the highest scoring player on both sides with 21.8 points and seven players didn’t break 10 points. Devonta Freeman will be good to go for next Sunday though and should be able to eclipse the 6.5 points he scored against the Eagles. Billy will likely roll with Patrick Mahomes moving forward. He looked incredible against the Chargers and should be able to continue that production with all the weapons he has. For Reddo, Stafford really couldn’t be any worse than he was last night, so look for him to bounce back. Both of these squads have the horses to perform better than they did, and neither team sustained any major injuries.
Zig is a bitch 130.4 (1-0)
My Teams OVR Rating Is 71 126.1 (0-1)
This was one of our closest games of the week and Mason lead the entire way until Todd Gurley started shredding the Gruden defense late in the fourth quarter past midnight. Mason took a huge lead on Thursday night when Jay Ajayi and Julio Jones went Sicko Mode, but faltered on Sunday and Monday when Deshaun Watson played poorly along with Matt Prater and Robert Woods. Despite the loss, Mason has a reason to hold his head high. He scored 126 points without his 3rd round pick, and got huge outings from guys like Kenny Stills and Jay Ajayi who I thought would be non factors. Julio Jones is still a god, but Deshaun Watson needs to improve. Barge’s team was everything we expected it to be. he scored 130 points with only four players scoring in double digits. It may sound flukey, but Barge has guys like Tyreek Hill, Tom Brady, and Todd Gurley that are capable of winning games by themselves. LeSean McCoy’s 2.6 point performance is a little concerning, but we’ll comeback to that if and when the Bills aren’t playing 40 point catch up. Neither team sustained an injury and both look to build on their positive week one performances.
Tiny Rick 131.4 (1-0)
The Full Bullpen 130.5 (0-1)
This game was the highest scoring of the week and also the closest. Colin was able to best Gabe by .9 in this opening week slugfest thanks to Michael Thomas, Drew Brees, and Melvin Gordon. For Gabe it came down to the final drive of the Rams/Raiders game where Brandin Cooks came ever so close to getting him the win. Losing by .9 seems devastating, but Gabe actually had an even closer loss. Last season, Zig beat Gabe by .4 in week three. (Fuck you Jamison Crowder). Colin’s team looked pretty damn good. He scored 131 without Doug Baldwin meaning he had eight players combine for that large total. It helped that the Saints were trailing the entire game which paved the way for Brees and Thomas combine for 67 points and 51% of Colin’s total points. The Saints defensive woes were also to the benefit of Alvin Kamara, who posted the top score for RB’s this week with 38.6 points. Both teams showed a lot of balance and promise, with Doug Baldwin being the only injured player in the game. Colin will likely look to Chris Godwin, Randall Cobb, or Kenny Golladay in his absence.
That just about does it for our week one recaps! Look for my week two power rankings to be released ahead of the TNF game between the Ravens and the Bengals. Here’s where the two teams left off the last time they met… 😉
We are just hours away from the start of the NFL regular season. Every team has been previewed, dissected and analyzed heavily. We now have the knowledge and the technology to rank our twelve team fantasy football league. It is important to note that I might have no idea what I’m talking about, and since most of us have a healthy roster, the difference between most of the teams is fairly minimal. Let us begin…
1. Zig is a Bitch
Barge leads the strongest and most balanced squad to our knowledge heading into the 2018 season. One concern to keep an eye on is the development of the LeSean McCoy assault situation.
2. Don’t Fuckle With Shuckle
Scott comes in as a close second in our preseason power rankings with a squad that also boasts zero glaring weaknesses and a lot of explosiveness.
3. Scary Terry
Jake cracks the top three despite drafting his team at Papa Johns. His team is also well balanced with no major holes. This ranking will fluctuate based on Derrick Henry and Amari Cooper’s volume but for now, the tools are there on paper.
4. The Full Bullpen
Balance and five tool running backs plus a top five QB. The biggest weakness on this team are the duo of WR’s who are skilled but not as valuable in PPR leagues. RB’s are also on the smaller side so injuries could play a factor.
5. Lord Mattis
Tier one fantasy QB and a strong receiving core carry this team. Devonta Freeman is a strong RB1 but look for a rotation of RB’s in the second spot. Jarvis Landry should be one of the strongest flex plays in the league.
6. Blitz Cock
Filled with youth and uncertainty, yet a sense of potential that will be tapped into from the get-go. Billy features one of the youngest teams in the league, but big time burst from his RB’s and WR’s. Jack Doyle is also a top ten TE. His Achilles heel will likely be QB.
7. Tiny Rick
Colin is currently just outside the playoff picture in these preseason predictions, but make no mistake, Tiny Rick is a legit playoff contender. If Drew Brees can recapture his magic from pre-2017, Colin is looking at a top five team.
8. Protect The Shield
Very strong at QB and WR, terribly weak at RB. If Kerryon Johnson can play a big role in the Lion’s offense, it could boost Brendan into fantasy football nirvana.
9. My Arms Too Damn Big
There’s some balance, but a lot of question marks and high risk high reward picks like Kenyan Drake, Emmanuel Sanders, and Greg Olsen. Zig has a knack for kicking ass and taking names so we’ll see how this years strategy plays out for him.
10. The Implication
I was probably a little too hard on Bobandy in my preview, but I still have my doubts about T.Y. Hitlon. The James Connor pickup was a good one though and Bobandy’s team is actually projected a league high 114 points going into week one. More and more I feel like this team might prove me wrong.
11. My Teams OVR Rating is 71
For a team that was already weak at RB, losing Jerrick McKinnon for the year was not ideal at all. Mason will start Jamaal Williams and Jay Ajayi at RB and Kenny Stills in the flex. Yikes.
12. The Golden God
This dead last ranking is solely on the uncertainty of Carson Wentz and Le’Veon Bell heading into week one. Wentz will not play because of the ACL injury he sustained last season, and Bell could also sit out more than one week while holding out for a contract. Some have reported that Bell could sit out until week ten which would devastate Kaden’s team. If/when these players return, Kaden will undoubtedly move up in the rankings.
Last but not but certainly not least, we preview the DFFL defending champion Kaden Zemper. Kaden shell shocked the league in 2017 after a putrid 3-10 record in 2016 by winning his first DFFL title. Kaden’s team won a DFFL record 11 regular season games and then won two more in the playoffs to finish 13-2 overall, which will be an extremely tough record to beat. He was able to slash through the league with an all out offensive blitzkrieg that included Todd Gurley, Antonio Brown, and Travis Kelce, who were all top two at their position. Stefon Diggs, Lamar Miller, Robert Woods, and Duke Johnson also played big roles. Here’s a list of records Kaden set in 2017:
-Wins (13)
-Losses (2)
-Points per game (116.7)
-Consecutive weeks over 100 points (9)
-First top seed to win a title
Also a quick intro to Kaden’s team name “The Golden God.”
Looking Ahead:
All Kaden has to do to win this season is do exactly what he did last season. Very easy concept, preview over….
Okay obviously it’s not that easy so let’s dive into it. Kaden was able to draft BOTH Antonio Brown and Todd Gurley last season which obviously couldn’t have worked out any better. Members of the DFFL slept on Todd Gurley because of his lethargic 2016 campaign and for that reason, Kaden got Gurley at an amazing value. This season, Kaden selected the third overall pick in the draft, and took the Pittsburgh star Le’Veon Bell. Bell has missed some games in the past seasons, but is one of the very top players in fantasy football when he’s playing. He has many games where he exceeds thirty touches and should easily finish as a top five fantasy player barring an injury or another failed drug test. Kaden proceeded to build his roster around Bell. He drafted Davante Adams in round two and Jordan Howard in round three. Adams will be the top receiver at Green Bay and Howard will be a workhorse in Chicago again, although he’s slightly less valuable on passing downs. Kaden continued to load at WR in rounds four and five with Demaryius Thomas and Juju-Smith Schuster. In round six he picked up Jordan Reed who is a beast when healthy, and then Eagles QB Carson Wentz in round seven.
At first glance, this team isn’t as good as Kaden’s 2017 team. Obviously that would’ve been a rather lofty expectation anyway, but this team is still capable of winning a lot of games. A healthy, drug suspension free Le’Veon Bell is expected to score about 20 ppg, and can break 30 on any given week. Davante Adams is a reception machine, and also a great scorer. He scored ten touchdowns in 2017 even though he missed the final two weeks. I like Jordan Howard as well because he is the clear number one runner in Chicago, but I don’t love the Demaryius Thomas pick. There’s hope that Case Keenum can improve the play of the entire receiving corps, but the group as a whole has under-performed since the departure of Peyton Manning. Carson Wentz is another question mark, he’s coming off an ACL injury and will not play in week one. Still, if Wentz can play as well as he did in 2017, this team has the horses to score a boatload of points. Demaryius Thomas and Carson Wentz are the X factors on this team. If they perform as well as they’re capable of alongside Bell, Adams, and Howard; this team can be the first to win back to back DFFL titles.
Best Draft Pick: Le’Veon Bell
The obvious pick at number three, and Kaden didn’t screw it up.
Worst Draft Pick: Demaryius Thomas
Yes I listed him as an X factor because I know he can be good, but I’m just not as high on him as some are. I don’t think Keenum will repeat last season, and I believe the Broncos WR’s will struggle as a result.
Sleeper: Sammy Watkins
Everyone’s been predicting his breakout since 1972, will this FINALLY be his year?
We have finally dwindled down to our final set of previews beginning with 2017 DFFL runner-up Billy Norton. Billy’s team became the true Cinderella story of 2017 when he finished with a 6-7 record and beat out Colin by a total of 33.2 points to secure the sixth and final seed in the playoffs. His team then blew by House Targaryen and Marvin Lewis in Training to become the first six seed to reach the finals. Billy’s team was able to win because they peaked at the right time. After losing five straight from week 8 to week 12, they were able to drop 118.7 against Gabe, and a season high 144.7 in the semifinals against Jake. The slipper no longer fit when Billy ran into the fantasy juggernaut that was 2017 Kaden, but it was still an impressive run nonetheless. This wasn’t the first year that Billy was successful either, in 2015 the “Southern Bois” went 10-3 and grabbed the top overall seed before being defeated in the semifinals by eventual champion Mason Carruthers.
Looking Ahead:
Billy will look to feed off the momentum he built during last years playoff run. This season, Billy has chosen the name Blitz Cock and released the following statement regarding his new name:
“Last year I thought we were too passive. I think this year’s name really shows our mentality. We want to show the league that no gap, no matter how small, is safe. We are going to ram it down with force.” – Billy Norton
Billy exhibited his need to “ram it down with force” when he drafted two downhill running backs in Saquon Barkley and Dalvin Cook in the first two rounds. Both have been given lofty projections this season although they have only played a total of four NFL games between them. Barkley is a true rookie, while Cook tore his ACL in week four of the 2017 season and looks to bounce back. Both running backs have all the talent in the world, but come with some uncertainty heading into the upcoming season. Billy then switched gears in rounds three and four when he drafted WR’s Adam Thielen and Allen Robinson, followed by rookie RB Royce Freeman in round five. Robinson tore his ACL in week 1 of the 2017 and Freeman of course has never played an NFL game. All of this means that four of Billy’s top five picks played a total of five games in 2017. Billy snagged Alshon Jeffrey, Ronald Jones, Pierre Garcon, Jack Doyle, and finally his QB Patrick Mahomes all the way in round 10.
Billy did nothing if not take a shit load of chances in this draft. He’s got four RB’s on his roster and between his four RB’s, they’ve combined for four NFL games, all of them played by Dalvin Cook who is essentially a rookie as well this season. There’s no question that Ronald Jones, Royce Freeman, and Saquon Barkley are capable of big, or even huge numbers. It’s just a bit odd taking three rookies at your most important position in my humble opinion. The second thing that jumps out at me is that he drafted three players that are coming off serious season ending injuries from 2017. Dalvin Cook and Allen Robinson are both fresh off ACL tears, and Pierre Garcon missed most of 2017 with a neck injury. Even with all of the uncertainty, the team is packed with talent and fantasy potential. Both Barkley and Cook are projected to have huge years, Thielen will get plenty of looks from Kirk Cousins, and Allen Robinson will look to take over as Chicago’s number one WR. Jack Doyle was quietly a very good TE in 2017, and should continue to put up solid numbers. As for QB’s, it looks like Billy will go with a rotation of yet another rookie Patrick Mahomes, and the veteran red rifle Andy Dalton. Also keep an eye out for Alshon Jeffrey who will miss the first couple of weeks while he recovers from offseason surgery. Despite the high volume of rookies and players coming off injuries, this team has plenty of scoring options. The X factors are Barkley and Cook. I may have sounded skeptical about them, but it’s only because I have to be. I think both of them will finish in the top fifteen and both have the potential to finish top ten. If they do, it could be a very successful season for Billy.
Best Draft Pick: Dalvin Cook
I think he’s going to be huge in the Minnesota offense this season. He’s a true three down back with even more value in PPR.
Worst Draft Pick: Allen Robinson
He’s a popular candidate for a comeback year, and it could very well happen. I thought there were some better and safer options at WR in round four.
Sleeper: Ronald Jones
Jones is an explosive runner who is a threat to score at any moment. He is also playing in a Tampa Bay backfield that has no true workhorse.
Anyone that knows Jake, knows that he’s been working at Papa Johns since the beginning of his sophomore year of college and I find it truly disgusting that he’s NEVER named his team after something Papa Johns related. I mean seriously the place is a meme gold mine. Papa’s in the house? Bo’s in the house? BIGG tip?? Sodi pop? Or maybe even something about Papa John’s racist comments??? Nah he went with something stupid instead. ugh… Other than the team names, Jake’s fantasy career started when he looked like a giant retard drafting Lamar Miller in the first round. I distinctly remember being confused about that pick and it clearly didn’t work out when his team went on to finish a league worst 4-9. Since then, Jake has been a titan of the fantasy football industry. He finished 10-3 with a the top overall seed in 2016, and was greatly benefited by the division system when he secured the #2 seed in 2017 with a record of only 6-7. He’s never made it to the title game, but back to back playoff appearances and back to back byes have made him one of the premiere teams in the league with a record of 20-19, and a 16-9 record over the last two seasons. Jake and Scott are the only two players in the DFFL to win their division in back to back seasons, and also the only two with multiple division titles. Jake has also been able to average over 100 ppg in back to back seasons. In 2015 however, Jake averaged a hilarious 79.4 ppg.
Looking Ahead:
This season, Jake’s squad will be known as “Scary Terry” which is a reference to the amazing Brooklyn 99. He began his attack with Leonard Fournette and New York Giants stud WR Odell Beckham Jr. who just signed a huge contract just a couple of days ago. Fournette is returning as one of the top rookies of 2017 and OBJ is coming off a serious ankle injury, but should be able to bounce back to his elite status. Those two were selected back to back at pick eleven and twelve. Many picks later, Jake selected Amari Cooper and Derrick Henry filling out both WR and RB positions. In the fourth and fifth rounds, Jake followed the suit of filling out starting positions and grabbed Delanie Walker and Russell Wilson.
This team is very well balanced. Jake was smart and didn’t go too heavy at a certain position because of the large gap between his picks. Amari Cooper and Odell Beckham should be a very solid group of WRs. Many predict this to be a make or break year for Cooper and he is a popular breakout candidate. Fournette will be in line for a spaceship load of touches in a depleted Jacksonville offense and Derrick Henry should take the lead reigns in Tennessee. Russell Wilson is a tremendous QB who should put up great numbers, and Delanie Walker is a very consistent TE barring an injury. My biggest issue with this team however is still the running backs. Both are talented, but both are not used very much in the passing game. The Jacksonville offense should be very predictable and it could lead to a lot of inefficiency for Fournette. Tennessee picked up Dion Lewis in the offseason who will likely take up most, if not all of the time on passing downs. Jake will need his RB’s to carry the ball 20 times per game with a lot of goal line chances to get substantial production. Those RB’s will be the X factors. If those two aren’t efficient, Jake will not be able to keep up in many games
Best Draft Pick: Amari Coooper
I just have a good feeling about this guy
Worst Draft Pick: Leonard Fournette
I don’t see him finishing above McCaffrey and Dalvin Cook barring an injury in a PPR league. Both RB’s were available.
Sleeper: Tyler Eifert
Okay I swear I’m not a total homer, but this guy is an absolute unit when healthy, he’s just never healthy, which is why he’s a sleeper.
We begin today’s previews with the proudest player in the league, Scott Bankes. First, I must apologize for a statistical error that I made in yesterday’s preview. I previously stated that Zig’s 17-9 record and .653 win % was best in the league. Upon a deeper investigation, I have learned that Scott Bankes owns a 27-12 record, good for a .692 win %. Yes, Scott Bankes has quietly dominated the regular season every year, and has by far the most wins. Not only has he been good, but he’s improved his record each season.
2015: Newton Is My Team (8-5) 1st place in West
2016: Don’t Fuckle With Shuckle (9-4) 1st place in West
2017: Don’t Fuckle With Shuckle (10-3) 3rd place in West
The question is, how could I have overlooked such blatantly obvious and continuous success? Probably because Scott has been quiet as a mouse come playoff time. In three playoff appearances, Scott is 1-3 and has never been to a championship. His first playoff win came last season against Big Ass Arms, but was defeated by eventual champion Chalupa Batman one round later. Whether it be Mario Party, Game & Watch side B’s, or fantasy football, Scott has always been notoriously lucky. That luck started in 2017 when he was able to trade Deshaun Watson for Christian McCaffrey and Amari Cooper. Deshaun Watson would eventually tear his ACL one day after the trade processed. Scott then flipped Cooper and James White to Colin for a far superior receiver in Michael Thomas. Scott did not lose a regular season game after the Watson trade, and averaged 120.58 ppg in those games. His only loss after the Watson trade came in round two of the playoffs, where his team still managed to score 130 points.
Looking Ahead:
Scott would be the first to tell you that his team is better than yours. He loves his team, and he’s not afraid to tell you about it. He had a dream that he would pick fourth, and that’s exactly where he picked. Ezekiel Elliot was the player he chose with that pick, who should easily finish as a top five RB this season, and isn’t at risk of another suspension. In the second round, Scott selected Cincinnati RB Joe Mixon, who packs quite a punch. He grabbed a trio of receivers in Stefon Diggs, Josh Gordon, and Marquise Goodwin in rounds three, four, and five. He picked up his TE in Jimmy Graham in round six, Mark Ingram in round seven, and his QB Andrew Luck in round eight. Ingram faces a four game suspension before he can join Alvin Kamara in the Saints backfield. Andrew Luck is returning from a long fucking injury.
Scott said he had a plan before the draft, and that the plan went fairly well. Judging by the overall balance of his team, I’d be inclined to agree. He’s got an all around workhorse in Ezekiel Elliot. Joe Mixon will be the lead running back in an improved Bengals offense, and is also very relevant in the passing game. Stefon Diggs should be even better with Kirk Cousins under center, and if Josh Gordon can stay off the lettuce, he’s a potential WR1 candidate. Goodwin was a productive receiver with the arrival of Jimmy G, and Jimmy Graham should collect many red zone targets from Aaron Rodgers. Also keep an eye on Jordy Nelson who is a dark horse for a big year in Oakland. The biggest question mark on this team in my opinion is Andrew Luck. He’s a very good quarterback when healthy, but he hasn’t been given a lot of weapons and his OL is lackluster. I don’t see him being a top ten fantasy QB this season, but if he is, Scott’s team will be very hard to beat. Josh Gordon and Joe Mixon are the X factors on this team. Both have the ability to finish top five at their position, but have their own roadblocks. Mixon could be limited by a poor OL. Gordon by the overall luck of the Cleveland Browns, but more importantly, himself.
Best Draft Pick: Ezekiel Elliot
Drafted fourth overall, but I think he finishes as the RB2 this season
Worst Draft Pick: Mark Ingram
He is a valuable handcuff and will likely still get good numbers when his suspension is up, but I believe Kirk Cousins and Matt Stafford will outperform Luck this year. Scott may have waited just a little bit too long to draft his QB.
Sleeper: John Ross
Yep, I’m a total homer and I love John Ross. He has been described as “uncoverable” in camp and in the preseason. Now that he’s healthy, drops are the only thing that stands in his way.
Next on the list is last years 5 seed and fifth place finisher, Zig. If you couldn’t tell, Blake loves talking about how big he is, specifically his arms. After naming his team “Blake Kicks your Ass” in 2016, he went with “Big Ass Arms” in 2017, and has now decided on “My Arms Too Damn Big” for the upcoming season (His arms aren’t that big). Despite the cocky team names, Zig might be one of the only players that can back it up. Since replacing Liam Higgins in 2016, Zig has exploded to a 17-9 record; good for a league best .653 win %. In 2016, Zig scored 103.3 ppg (non PPR) which was good for third best in the league. His team marched all the way to the title game only to get mercilessly beaten, raped, and horrifically pulverized by Mason. In 2017, Zig had an impressive 9-4 record and was fourth in the league in scoring at 108.9 ppg. Although his team had a tremendous 120 point showing in round one, it wasn’t enough to defeat Scott Bankes. Because of the fact that Zig has yet to win a title, his success has been relatively under the radar. He is one of only two players to average over 100 ppg in back to back seasons and the only player who has never averaged under 100 ppg in a season. It should also be noted that he defeated Gabe’s team three times in 2017 and holds a lifetime 5-0 record against Gabe.
Looking Ahead:
Zig will take his impressive win % and new squad lead by first round pick Kareem Hunt into the 2018 season with the hope of finally winning a title. Anything less than a title for Zig this year should be considered disappointing, as his fan base will likely be growing tired of getting teased with amazing regular season play, followed by someone else taking home the hardware. First round pick Kareem Hunt ended up finishing fourth in scoring in what was a bit of an up and down year for him. A strong start and a strong finish really benefited Kareem Hunt owners, but his lackluster midseason play hurt many teams as well. Zig also picked up the reception machine Keenan Allen in round two. Allen is an absolute unit when he’s on the field, but his main problem has been keeping himself on the field. He had major injuries in 2015 and 2016 that raise a lot of red flags, but his on the field production cannot be ignored. Allen finished 2017 as the third highest scoring WR behind only DeAndre Hopkins and Antonio Brown. Zig proceeded to take Kenyan Drake in round three, Greg Olsen in round four, and Emmanuel Sanders in round five. He waited until round seven to scoop up his starting QB, Kirk Cousins.
This team doesn’t seem like a prototypical Zig team of the past. There’s plenty of talent on the roster, but I feel like it could certainly be better. I like Kareem Hunt, and I also like Keenan Allen despite his injury risk. I personally thought Zig hurt himself with his third and fourth round picks. The end of the third round was a time that pretty much all of the best RB’s were off the board, but there was plenty of WR talent. Kenyan Drake is good for sure, but with guys like Mike Evans, Doug Baldwin, Adam Thielen, Amari Cooper, and Brandin Cooks on the board, it just doesn’t feel right. Greg Olsen in round four also feels out of place. Olsen spent almost the entire season injured, and had only one relevant game to show for it in the six that he played in. If you’re not going RB or WR in round four, it doesn’t make sense to me that he’d pass on Aaron Rodgers and Tom Brady, who were both available. The ripple effect of passing on receivers early on when it made sense also forced Zig to draft Emmauel Sanders in the fifth round, who finished as the WR61 last season. Sanders should improve with Case Keenum under center this season. The X factors for Zig this season are K’s. Kareem, Keenan, Kenyan, and Kirk will likely be responsible for most of Zig’s points, and they all need to perform at a very high level if Zig wants to get that elusive DFFL title.
Best Draft Pick: Keenan Allen
This guy is a machine and is totally underrated, especially in PPR. If he can stay healthy, he’s a top five WR. It’s a big if though…
Worst Draft Pick: Greg Olsen
Yeah he’s good, but he’s also 34 years old, a tight end, coming off an injury, and not worthy of a fourth round pick.
Sleeper: Robby Anderson
If Anderson can avoid a suspension, he should be primed for a big season that involves a lot of targets and throws from a better QB.
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