Week 9 was such a beautiful week. It has nothing to do with the fact that I beat the absolute piss out of Reddo either….okay maybe that was part of it, but still. I’m just glad that I didn’t have to watch the insufferable Bengals if I’m being 100% tbh. It was so nice to just have one week in the football season where all I had to stress about were my three loaded fantasy teams instead of my poor bungles who would be better off starting my dumb little sister Josie at linebacker instead of Hardy fucking Nickerson. Who do the Bengals play in week 10? The Saints. For those who don’t know who the Saints are, Mark Wahlberg provided some blazing hot takes on them last night on the halftime show. “Don’t forget about the Saints either in the NFC” Mark insight-fully said. Thanks, Mark. I would’ve totally forgotten about the Saints who haven’t lost since week 1 and just dropped 45 on the Rams. I’m not sure how the Saints managed to sink so low under the radar like a German U-boat in 194, but goddammit here they are. CLASSIC trap game for the Bengals this week. I don’t wanna think about it. Let’s talk about fantasy football.

1. The Implication (7-2)

Last Week: 3(↑2)

Points scored: 134.3 (Highest team total this season)

Highest Scorer: James Connor (25.8)

Average Points Per Player:  14.92 (3rd)

Season Scoring Average: 117.5 (5th)

Season Point Differential: +94.6 (4th)

Outlook:

Bobandy is number 1 and Akon is running for president in 2020. Absurd. Bobandy claims the top spot after picking up his 5th straight win against a surging Zig team battling for a playoff spot. Bobandy promplty shut down Zig’s little rebellion by answering with his highest scoring total of the season. Bobandy was carried by his noble steed, James Connor yet again, but he also got some valuable contributions from Dion Lewis and Travis Kelce. The emergence of Dion Lewis as of late could possibly pay huge dividends for Bobandy down the road. He may end up being a league winner.

Next Week: @ Tiny Rick (-9.5)

2. Protect The Shield (7-2)

Last Week: 1(↓1)

Points scored: 100.1 (Lowest team total this season)

Highest Scorer: Tevin Coleman (30.1)

Average Points Per Player:  10.01 (7th)

Season Scoring Average: 119.68 (3rd)

Season Point Differential: +76.5 (6th)

Outlook:

Brendan turned in his worst performance of the season in week 9 as he barley broke 100 points. It didn’t help that Brendan had Golden Tate, AJ Green, and Zach Ertz, but it was still a pretty winnable week that slipped through his fingers. His opponent as only able to put up 110 points, in fact had it not been for that very late touchdown from Josh Gordon, Brendan would’ve came away another extremely close victory. For now he slides down to number 2 in the rankings because of the poor scoring output and his loss to Bobandy in a head to head matchup. He’s got an important game against a struggling Blitz Cock team if this week that could have a big impact on who gets the top overall seed.

Next Week: Vs. Blitz Cock (-5.8)

3. Zig is a Bitch (6-3)

Last Week: 4(↑1)

Points scored: 119.6 (4th lowest team total this season)

Highest Scorer: Bears D/ST (29)

Average Points Per Player: 13.28 (4th)

Season Scoring Average: 122.7 (2nd)

Season Point Differential: +76.8 (5th)

Outlook:

I don’t think anyone in the history of the DFFL has benefitted from a strong D/ST play like Barge has. Last season he had the high scoring Jaguars defense that would often break 10. This season he has the Bears elite squad of monsters. They totally bailed him out this week with an explosive 29 point performance against a putrid Bills offense with literally not a single good player on the roster. While scoring 120 points is considered a good week, there’s no way he’ll be able to count on 29 points from his defense in most weeks. The rest of his team was pretty average for the most part. Barge continues to have struggles at RB2 and WR2 in addition to Tom Brady barley being a top 15 fantasy QB this season.

Next Week: @ Lick My Pussy @bitchbarge (+5.6)

4. Don’t Fuckle With Shuckle (6-3)

Last Week: 5(↑1)

Points scored: 110.8 (4th lowest team total this season)

Highest Scorer: Jared Goff (34.7)

Average Points Per Player: 12.31 (5th)

Season Scoring Average: 116.2 (6th)

Season Point Differential: -15.2 (8th)

Outlook:

Scott’s team didnt play all that great in week 9, but they played well enough to win which is what matters. The QB position has been Scott’s greatest strength so far. Both Andrew Luck and Jared Goff have been dominating all year and are both top 5 among QB’s. Joe Mixon and Ekekiel Elliot are also an elite duo, but Scott was hoping to have Mark Ingram turn that elite duo into an eltie trio. That has not been the case so far. After a big performance in week 5, Ingram has scored just 18 total points in 3 games. It makes me smile a lot. Scott plays Mason this week, so 7-3 should be no problem for him

Next Week: Vs. Trade me your worst players (-19)

5. Tiny Rick (6-3)

Last Week: 6(↑1)

Points scored: 146.1 (Highest team total this season)

Highest Scorer: Drew Brees (38.6)

Average Points Per Player: 16.23 (2nd)

Season Scoring Average: 119.62 (4th)

Season Point Differential: +96.2 (3rd)

Outlook:

Just what the doctor ordered for Colin in week 9. After 2 games of dominating in a game of “score less points than Jake” He exploded for 146.1 points, a season high. The combination of Michael Thomas and Drew Brees when they connect is nearly impossible to beat. Melvin Gordon is elite and Sony Michel will return from an injury soon making Colin’s team a brutal force once again. Watch out rest of the league.

Next Week: Vs. The Implication (+9.5)

6. Blitz Cock (6-3)

Last Week: 2(↓4)

Points scored: 95.4 (2nd lowest team total this season)

Highest Scorer: Patrick Mahomes (32.1)

Average Points Per Player:  10.6 (11th)

Season Scoring Average: 115.5 (7th)

Season Point Differential: +123.2 (2nd)

Outlook:

It’s been a rough couple weeks for the mighy cock blitzers down in Georgia. That’s now back to back losses for Billy and he’s currently in danger of losing 3 straight with Brendan on the schedule in week 10. Billy will get Saquon Barkley back from a bye this week but he’ll be without Adam Thielen. Billy will likely struggle when one of his big 3 doesn’t perform at an elite level beacuse he’s lacked depth for much of the season. The emergence of Duke Johnson and the return of Dalvin Cook could give Billy a much needed boost heading into the postseason though. Billy is getting his guys healthy at the right time.

Next Week: @ Protect The Shield (+5.8)

7. Astro Dumpster (4-5)

Last Week: 8(↑1)

Points scored: 155.3 (2nd highest team total this season)

Highest Scorer: Alvin Kamara (31.6)

Average Points Per Player:  17.25 (1st)

Season Scoring Average: 132.17 (1st)

Season Point Differential: +126.5 (1st)

Outlook:

This team is starting to not be that shitty, but it’s still probably kinda shitty tbh

Next Week: Vs. The Peen Dream (-17.5)

8. Lick my pussy @bitchbarge (3-6)

Last Week: 7(↓1)

Points scored: 96.4 (3rd lowest team total this season)

Highest Scorer: Kareem Hunt (32.6)

Average Points Per Player: 10.71 (10th)

Season Scoring Average: 114.63 (8th)

Season Point Differential: -50.4 (9th)

Outlook:

It’s never a good sign when one player scores 33% (1/3) of your points. That’s precisely what happened to Zig in week 9. Kareem Hunt was an absolute maverick with a whopping 32.6 points against a porous Browns defense. Earlier in the year I criticized and made fun of Zig for drafting Kareem Hunt over Alvin Kamara, but Hunt has been explosive lately and I’m sure it’s because he doesn’t want Zig to be disappointed in him. Hunt has scored just 5.2 points less than Kamara on the season through week 9 although it should be noted that Hunt has not yet had his bye week. Zig now sits at 3-6 and essentially needs to win out emphatically to have any playoff hope.

Next Week: Vs. Zig is a bitch (-5.6)

9. Lord Mattis (3-6)

Last Week: 9↔

Points scored: 99.1 (2nd lowest team total this season)

Highest Scorer: Ben Roethlesberger (28.4)

Average Points Per Player: 11.01 (8th)

Season Scoring Average: 113.44 (9th)

Season Point Differential: +55.2 (7th)

Outlook:

Reddo ran into a buzzsaw in week 9, but he didn’t really help himself out much either. 99.1 points is his second lowest output of the season and it was the result of a lot of uninspiring performances by many of his players. DeAndre Hopkins has been a stud all year, but he didn’t receive much help and now Reddo is in a very deep hole. His best bet for the playoffs is to win out and score a shit load of points doing it; the same script that Zig needs to succeed.

Next Week: @ The Golden God (+28.4)

10. The Golden God (2-7)

Last Week: 10↔

Points scored: 98.9 (3rd lowest team total this season)

Highest Scorer: James White (25.3)

Average Points Per Player: 11 (9th)

Season Scoring Average: 105.6 (10th)

Season Point Differential: -134.8 (10th)

Outlook:

If we hadn’t already, I think we can finally rule out the Golden God as a playoff contender. A loss to an awful team lead by Mason pretty much solidifies this as Kaden will not become the first player to ever win back to back DFFL titles. At this point I’m sure many teams will be calling The Golden God’s front office to try and vulture some of the few fantasy options that he has.

Next Week: Vs. Lord Mattis (-28.4)

11. Trade me your worst players (3-6)

Last Week: 12(↑1)

Points scored: 105.8 (4th highest team total this season)

Highest Scorer: Deshaun Watson (23.8)

Average Points Per Player: 11.75 (6th)

Season Scoring Average: 97.62 (11th)

Season Point Differential: -139.7 (11th)

Outlook:

Mason actually won another game right after I rated him the worst team in the league. It’s actually baffling that Mason has won 3 games with the team that he has. Decimated by injuries and many other dysfunctions, this team is fucked and is perhaps one of Mason’s more forgettable teams. He’ll look to bounce back next season with a team of healthy players

Next Week: Vs. Don’t Fuckle With Shuckle (+19.1)

12. The Peen Dream (1-8)

Last Week: 11(↓1)

Points scored: 73.5 (2nd lowest team total this season)

Highest Scorer: Ryan Fitzmagic (31.3)

Average Points Per Player: 8.16 (12th)

Season Scoring Average: 87.32 (12th)

Season Point Differential: -308.6 (12th)

Outlook:

Another forgettable week for Jake… for the 8th time this season. His team has been far from what he hoped for this season because of a combination of injuries and players that are just vastly under performing. Jake’s squad kind of reminds me of the island of misfit toys, except if the toys were all thinking about peen all day. Now I’m just rambling, but Jake’s team at this point will look to spoil some playoff runs and prepare for next season.

Next Week: @ Astro Dumpster (+17.9)

I can’t believe we’re already 8 weeks in. It seems like just yesterday that I thought of this stupid idea to start writing articles for this fantasy football league that no more than 8 people will ever read, but here we are. In other news the Red Sox just won the World Series, but did anyone even notice? I mean I love baseball, it’s always been my favorite sport. I love playing baseball and I love watching it but god damn the season just drags on for so god damn long. Think about it, baseball players report to spring training in March and the World Series doesn’t end until almost November. That’s 8 months of baseball where teams are playing nearly every day and by the time the playoffs start everyone’s so distracted by football, hockey, and basketball that nobody outside of certain fanbases care about the playoffs. Why are the ratings so low? Because your season is toooooo damn longgggg. Shorten it up a bit. Baseball is meant to be played in beautiful summer weather, not windy rainy cold weather. Anyway let’s talk about what really matters. The DFFL

1. Protect The Shield (7-1)

Last Week: 1↔

Points scored: 123.9 (3rd highest team total this season)

Highest Scorer: Antonio Brown (22.4)

Average Points Per Player:  13.76 (3rd)

Season Scoring Average: 122.13 (3rd)

Season Point Differential: +87.2 (3rd)

Outlook:

Would you rather be lucky or good? For Brendan the answer is both. He’s now exceeded 120 points in 6/8 weeks and is currently 3rd in the league in scoring, just 2.9 points behind Barge. Brendan has also managed to win three straight games by under four points. He has not won a game by over five points since week four. Can you say clutch? Brendan is now all alone in first place and has clinched a regular season winning record. He’s now had a winning record in 3/4 seasons in the DFFL along with a championship. Brendan has established himself as one of the blue chip franchises in this league.

Next Week: @ Don’t Fuckle With Shuckle +5.5

Blitz Cock (6-2)

Last Week: 2↔

Points scored: 116.5 (5th highest team total this season)

Highest Scorer: Patrick Mahomes (33.9)

Average Points Per Player:  12.94 (7th)

Season Scoring Average: 118.07 (4th)

Season Point Differential: +147.4 (1st)

Outlook:

Billy suffered a loss last week at the hands of a surging Zig, who’s penis seems to be growing by the second. This was one of those weeks where his trio of Barkley, Thielen, and Mahomes all performed admirably, but weren’t able to carry Billy far enough to achieve victory. Billy’s team is good no question, but for him to win in the playoffs, he’ll need a lot more help from his RB2, WR2 and flex play, who all combined for just 15.3 points in week 8. He’s got a hot date with Barge in week 9.

Next Week: Vs. Zig is a Bitch (+17.7)

3. The Implication (6-2)

Last Week: 4(↑1)

Points scored: 110.2 (5th highest team total this season)

Highest Scorer: James Connor (35.7)

Average Points Per Player: 12.24 (8th)

Season Scoring Average: 115.4 (8th)

Season Point Differential: +56.7 (5th)

Outlook:

Bobandy? Number 3? 6-2? I must be on acid. Bobandy wins a rather close game this week against the peen dream with the help of James Connor who scored a monstrous 35.7 points against the Browns. “James Connor literally saved my season” Bobandy said in his latest interview. It’s tough to argue with him on that statement. James Connor is currently the RB3 and averaging 23.4 points per game. If you’d like to know how good that is, consider that Todd Gurley in 2017 was the number 1 RB in all of fantasy football while scoring 22 points per game. If you take James Connor and his 23.4 ppg away from Bobandy this season, obvious math would tell you that his record would be 2-6. James Connor: waiver wire MVP, fantasy winner, and Bobandy’s lord and savior.

Next Week: Vs. Lick My Pussy @bitchbarge (+5.5)

4. Zig is a Bitch (5-3)

Last Week: 5(↑1)

Points scored: 106.5 (2nd lowest team total this season)

Highest Scorer: Todd Gurley (30.5)

Average Points Per Player:  11.83 (9th)

Season Scoring Average: 122.5 (2nd)

Season Point Differential: +52.6 (6th)

Outlook:

Barge suffered his second straight loss and third in his last four weeks Had Alfred Morris played against the 49ers, it might’ve been four straight for Barge, but as it stands right now he’s 5-3 with a healthy Todd Gurley, Tom Brady, and Tyreek Hill by his side. The last couple weeks have shown some obvious holes in barges team. He doesn’t have a consistent option for a WR2 and he’s very weak at RB2. His TE Kyle Rudolph has not exceeded 10 points since week 3 and Barge has scored under 110 points in back to back weeks for the first time all season. With the trade deadline approaching, I’d expect to see Barge make some moves to give him more balance. As it stands now though, Barge has the best fantasy player in the league and one of the best WR’s in the league to give him a very high floor.

Next Week: @ Blitz Cock (-17.7)

5. Don’t Fuckle With Shuckle (5-3)

Last Week: 6(↑1)

Points scored: 122.4 (4th highest team total this season)

Highest Scorer: Andrew Luck (28.8)

Average Points Per Player:  13.6 (4th)

Season Scoring Average: 116.97 (6th)

Season Point Differential: -25.9 (9th)

Outlook:

Somehow with a winning record and a negative point differential, Scott was able to pickup win number 5 in week eight thanks to his friend Tom Brady for not doing jack shit on Monday night. It was still an impressive victory though, as Scott was without his first round stud Ezekiel Elliot who was on a bye. Barring some disaster, Scott is almost a lock for the playoffs at this point. If he can take care of business against Jake, Mas, and Reddo the worst he will go is 8-5, easily good enough for a playoff berth. He’s got a nice challenge against Brendan this week. A week 9 win would all but tie a ribbon around it for the 4th straight season.

Next Week: Vs. Protect The Shield (-5.5)

6. Tiny Rick (5-3)

Last Week: 3(↓3)

Points scored: 55.4 (Lowest team total this season)

Highest Scorer: Alex Collins (11.3)

Average Points Per Player: 6.1 (12th)

Season Scoring Average: 116.31 (7th)

Season Point Differential: +23.6 (7th)

Outlook:

Woof. What a horrible, horrible week for Colin. I mean I knew it would be bad without Sony Michel and Melvin Gordon but 55 points??? 55???? Even Jake was probably laughing at that one. Goodness gracious! It’s very tough to win games without even one of your top RB’s so I understand the loss but this should still raise some eyebrows at Colin’s lack of depth. I mean Alex Collins was his top scorer for gods sake. Look, Colin has scored under 100 twice in a row, he’s scored less than Jake twice in a row, and Melvin Gordon wasn’t present for either game. Let’s see how Colin’s team plays when he’s back at full strength before I hit the giant panic button.

Next Week: @ The Peen Dream (-24)

7. Lick My Pussy @bitchbarge (3-5)

Last Week: 8(↑1)

Points scored: 134.6 (2nd highest team total this season)

Highest Scorer: Adrian Peterson (26.1)

Average Points Per Player:  14.95 (2nd)

Season Scoring Average: 116.91 (5th)

Season Point Differential: -12.5 (8th)

Outlook:

Is there any team in the league hotter than Zig right now? He’s got the club absolutely popping right now and Kareem Hunt is on the aux. After scoring over 160 in week 7, Zig followed it up with another explosive performance and got a huge victory over Billy. After starting off 0-3, Zig has climbed out of the hole and put himself in wild card contention. The big key for him has been the emergence of Kenyan Drake. If he continues to put up RB2 numbers, Zig is a Keenan Allen explosion away from being one of, if not the scariest team in the league with top 15 players at every position.

Next Week: @ The Implication (-5.5)

8. Astro Dumpster (3-5)

Last Week: 14(↑7)

Points scored: 156 (Highest team total this season)

Highest Scorer: Cam Newton (31.2)

Average Points Per Player:  17.33

Season Scoring Average: 129.28 (1st)

Season Point Differential: +70.3 (4th)

Outlook:

This team is still shitty, but just a little less shitty

Next Week: @ Lord Mattis (-14.9)

9. Lord Mattis (3-5)

Last Week: 9↔

Points scored: 120.8 (4th highest team total this season)

Highest Scorer: DeAndre Hopkins (23.2)

Average Points Per Player:  13.42 (5th)

Season Scoring Average: 115.23 (9th)

Season Point Differential: +111.4 (2nd)

Outlook:

It’s amazing that Reddo has a point differential of +111.4 but is somehow still 3-5. I guess it just goes to show how well his team has been performing. Only Billy has allowed less points than Reddo, yet he’s still just 3-5. That didn’t matter in week 8 though, as Reddo stomped all over Colin like a bbc orgy filmed by Exxxtra small. It was a massacre far worse than the Boston massacre, and scribes will write about it for centuries. Reddo’s team played pretty well. They scored the 5th most in the league in week 8 and exceeded 120 points, but they didn’t even need to exceed 60 to win lmaooo. Reddo needs a lot to go right at this point if he wants to make the playoffs. He’ll either need to start scoring a shit load of points, or win at least 4 of his next 5 games. Winning won’t be easy however, as 3 of his last 6 opponents are top six in scoring.

Next Week: Vs. Astro Dumpster (+14.9)

10. The Golden God (2-6)

Last Week: 10↔

Points scored: 120.1 (2nd highest team total this season)

Highest Scorer: Carson Wentz (28.7)

Average Points Per Player: 13.34 (6th)

Season Scoring Average: 106.43 (10th)

Season Point Differential: -127.9 (10th)

Outlook:

Kaden almost pulled a Brendan on Brendan himself in week 8. A late touchdown from the Patriots defense brought him well within striking distance but unfortunately he came up just a bit short and picked up his sixth loss of the season. At this point Kaden is essentially eliminated from playoff contention. His only chance is if he wins out to go 7-6 which without Le’Veon Bell is almost impossible. Kaden does not appear to be the first team in the DFFL to win back to back titles.

Next Week: Vs. Trade Me Your Worst Players (-36.6)

11. The Peen Dream (1-7)

Last Week: 12(↑1)

Points scored: 102.4 (Highest team total this season)

Highest Scorer: Russell Wilson (28.5)

Average Points Per Player: 11.37 (10th)

Season Scoring Average: 89.05 (12th)

Season Point Differential: -236 (12th)

Outlook:

Jake finally did it. After weeks of horrible horrible play, Jake finally broke 100 points…and still lost…. for the seventh time. There has definitely been some improvement in Jake’s team but not nearly enough to make this team relevant. They’re still averaging under 90 points a game and they’re now the first team in 2018 to clinch a losing record, Jake’s third in four years. Even winning out would put Jake at 6-7 and nowhere near enough scoring to get a wildcard spot.

Next Week: Vs. Tiny Rick (+24)

12. Trade Me Your Worst Players (2-6)

Last Week: 11(↓1)

Points scored: 88.1 (5th highest team total this season)

Highest Scorer: Deshaun Watson (40.4)

Average Points Per Player:  9.82 (11th)

Season Scoring Average: 96.6 (11th)

Season Point Differential: -146.9 (11th)

Outlook:

Yes, I believe that Mason’s team will either have a worse record or less points scored by the end of the season. He hasn’t broken 100 since week 4 and hasn’t broken 90 since week 5. He has totally thrown in the towel and is basically handing out free wins. Deshaun Watson scored almost half of Mason’s points. If you take him out, his other 8 players average under 6 points a game. Mason’s team has been destroyed by injuries and below average waiver wire adds and trades. He is currently starting 2 players on a bye week and his picture is a black dude sucking his own dick

Next Week: @ The Golden God +36.6

 

 

 

 

 

Week 8 is in the books and we are now halfway through the fantasy football season. Let’s take a jump back in time to draft night. Who was the best pick from each round? Who was the worst? Let’s find out who dominated the first ten rounds of the 2018 DFFL draft

Round 1:

Best Pick: Todd Gurley (Zig is a bitch)

Gurley is averaging 28 ppg and was perhaps that best value pick in the draft as well as he astonishingly drafted second overall. This was no contest

Worst Pick: Le’Veon Bell (The Golden God)

Le’Veon Bell has been such a penis this year. I hate the guy but I’m sad that he fucked Kaden over by not playing. James Connor has proved that signing Le’Veon Bell to a big contract was a dumb fuck idea anyway. I rate Le’Veon Bell’s performance this year a 0/10

Round 2:

Best Pick: Davante Adams (The Golden God)

Not Michael Thomas, not Christian McCaffrey, not Joe Mixon, and not even Odell Beckham have been as good as Davante Adams has been this year. Adams is so quietly dominant that most people probably wouldn’t guess that he’s a top 5 WR in fantasy football and also averaging over 19 points per game this season. Beast.

Worst Pick: LeSean McCoy (Zig is a bitch)

No, I won’t be including IR’d players or players that have been injured basically all season (Dalvin Cook) because the purpose of this is to reflect on how good the players have actually played. I only included Le’Veon Bell because he’s healthy but choosing not to play. McCoy on the other hand has been a total penis fart. avergaging under 6 per game and a season high of 11.8 points. penis.

Round 3:

Best Pick: Adam Thielen (Blitz Cock)

8 straight games with over 100 yards and the number 1 receiver in football this season. Adam Thielen is an absolute unit. He’s also got 6 TD’s including a TD in 5 straight games.

Worst Pick: Doug Baldwin (Tiny Rick)

I know Doug was hurt, but his stats since returning from injury have been terrible too. Baldwin has proven in the past that he’s capable of exploding near the end of the season, but for now he’s currently the WR109. He leaves a lot to be desired.

Round 4:

Best Pick: Aaron Rodgers (Protect The Shield)

I hate to put a QB as the best pick, but the fourth round wasn’t really a good round for anyone. It saw a lot of busts at the WR and RB position. Other than Rodgers and Tom Brady, the only decent players taken in the 4th round have been Brandin Cooks and Jarvis Landry.

Worst Pick: Derrick Henry (The Peen Dream)

Fuck Derrick Henry. I wanted him to be good so bad because he was a monster at Alabama. Remember that picture of him standing next to Mark Ingram? Good god you would’ve thought that Mark was his son. So disappointing that Henry seems to be a one dimensional bulldozing back in the NFL. I had high hopes, but no more.

Round 5:

Best Pick: Emmanuel Sanders (Lick My Pussy @bitchbarge)

I was totally wrong about this guy. I predicted him to be bad again this year, but he’s currently doing exactly what we thought Keenan Allen would do this year. Luckily Zig has both of them to offset one another. Currently the third highest scoring WR in the league.

Worst Pick: Marquise Goodwin (Don’t Fuckle With Shuckle)

Yes I know he missed some weeks with an injury, but even since being healthy he remains a super risky boom or bust play every week. The most catches he’s had in a game so far this season is 4. Golden Tate, Emmanuel Sanders, and Robert Woods were all selected after Goodwin.

Round 6:

Best Pick: Tevin Coleman (Protect The Shield)

Coleman is a decent RB option for any team, but he really saved Brendan this year. The injury to Devonta Freeman has made Tevin Coleman an easy start in most weeks and that’s not easy to find in the 6th round. Although he’s sitting at the RB17 with just about 11 ppg, he’s got great upside and a lot of good match-ups in the future.

Worst Pick: Jordan Reed (The Golden God)

Yes I know Evan Engram has also been very bad, but he was also hindered by injuries and has had 2 solid performances. Reed has been healthy all year and ranks 14th among TE’s.

Round 7:

Best Pick: Kirk Cousins (Lick My Pussy @bitchbarge)

Getting a top 5 QB in round seven is what a call a fantastic trip to my local credit union, and that’s exactly what Zig got. Sony Michel and Kerryon Johnson are close seconds but Michel’s knee injury is concerning so we’ll see

Worst Pick: Ronald Jones (Blitz Cock)

Ronald Jones has been total penis this year

Round 8:

Best Pick: James White (The Golden God)

You saw what I called getting a top 5 QB in round seven. What do you think getting a top 7 RB in round eight is called? You guessed it, an ORGASMIC trip to my local credit union! Andrew Luck is worth a mention as well because getting a top 3 QB in round 8 is also an orgasmic trip to the credit union.

Worst Pick: Rashaad Penny (Trade Me Your Worst Players)

Yeah this pick was one of Mason’s many swings and misses this year. Many of them were injuries, but this one just ended up being bad bad bad.

Round 9:

Best Pick: Cooper Kupp (Lord Mattis)

Yeah he’s missed the last 3.5 games with an injury, but he’s still top 20 in the league while still putting up zeros in that time span. When he returns I expect him to pickup right where the left off as a true WR2 for most teams.

Worst Pick: Josh Doctson (Trade Me Your Worst Players)

Again Mas. I know it’s round 9 but total penis player pick here.

Round 10:

Best Pick: Patrick Mahomes (Blitz Cock)

What do we call getting the top QB in football in the TENTH ROUND?? I have no fucking idea, but it probably has something to do with credit unions and Jets deep dish pizza. The current number 1 and 2 QB’s (Matt Ryan) were both drafted in the tenth round.

Worst Pick: Devontae Booker (Zig is a bitch)

You know what we call RB60+ in this house? A total penis.

 

Welp. I hated watching week 6 as some of you might know from the last article, but you know what sucks more than week 6? Week 7. It’s a terrible sight to see a Bengals team that sucks cock and somehow have a fantasy team that sucks even more cock but here we are yet again. Just for one day I’d like to know what it’s like to be a winner. I know it’s a lot to ask so even just 5 minutes of winning would be a nice change of pace from the steady flow of L’s stacked upon L’s ya know? Last week I noticed I was typing so furiously that I think I had about 6 typos. For that I’m sorry. I will try to trim down those errors to no more than zero. I’m also sorry for being a bitch, let’s talk about fantasy football.

1. Protect The Shield (6-1)

Last Week: 2(↑1)

Points scored: 120.7 (5th highest team total this season)

Highest Scorer: Joe Flacco (23.4)

Average Points Per Player:  13.41 (3rd)

Season Scoring Average: 121.88 (4th)

Season Point Differential: +83.4 (3rd)

Outlook:

For the second time in as many weeks, it took a very late score on Monday Night Football for Brendan to win. Last week it was the combo of Aaron Rodgers and Mason Crosby, this week it was an out of nowhere 30-yard TD run by Tevin Coleman. Brendan won by a total of .4 points and has now won 3 games this season decided by less than 5 points. He’s tied for the best record in the league and 4th in total scoring. With Antonio Brown and Aaron Rodgers coming off byes in week 8, Brendan should have no problem beating Kaden. I would say that RB is still a concern, but apparently it isn’t.

Next Week: Vs. The Golden God (-19.8)

2. Blitz Cock (6-1)

Last Week: 3(↑1)

Points scored: 123.5 (4th highest team total this season)

Highest Scorer: Patrick Mahomes (40.5)

Average Points Per Player: 13.72 (2nd)

Season Scoring Average: 118.3 (5th)

Season Point Differential: +165.5 (1st)

Outlook:

Billy wins again for the fourth time in a row. How does he keep doing it? Defense. Defense. Defense. Nobody in the league defends better than Billy, he’s holding opponents to a nearly laughable 94.65 points per game. The next closest team is Reddo who’s allowing 107.87 per game. Billy’s offense isn’t too shabby either though. The Trio of Patrick Mahomes, Saquon Barkley, and Adam Thielen is without a doubt the highest scoring QB/RB/WR trio in the entire league.

Next Week: @ Lick My Pussy @bitchbarge (Pick ‘Em)

3. Tiny Rick (5-2)

Last Week: 4(↑1)

Points scored: 99.2 (Lowest team total this season)

Highest Scorer: Jameis Winston (19.5)

Average Points Per Player:  11.02 (8th)

Season Scoring Average: 125.01 (2nd)

Season Point Differential: +89 (2nd)

Outlook:

A stroke of good luck for Colin this week after he failed to substitute the inactive Melvin Gordon. He got a total of 2 points from his front two RB’s due to injuries yet he was still able to beat the truly hapless team that Mason throws out every week. He moves to 5-2 on the season and is currently right in the thick of things for the top overall seed. Melvin Gordon should be 100% after his week 8 bye, but a loss of Sony Michel could be potentially troublesome. Colin will need some good luck again if he wants to take down Lord Mattis, a team on currently on the edge.

Next Week: Vs. Lord Mattis (+17.2)

4. The Implication (5-2)

Last Week: 6(↑2)

Points scored: 113.7 (3rd highest team total this season)

Highest Scorer: Philip Rivers (23.9)

Average Points Per Player:  12.63 (5th)

Season Scoring Average: 116.14 (6th)

Season Point Differential: +48.9 (5th)

Outlook:

Yep, I snapped again and moved Bobandy up to 4th. Why? Because he’s 5-2? Because Barge is a fag? Nope. I moved Bobandy up to 4th because Le’Veon Bell is a little penis fart. I’m not sold on the idea of him playing another snap with the Steelers and if that’s the case, Bobandy has no reason to believe that his team will fall off. There’s talent all across the roster that can compete with any team in any given week. Still…. WHY THE HELL DID YOU PASS ON TODD GURLEY YOU FUCK

Next Week: Vs. 7-6 Here I come (+6.7) **Subject to change

5. Zig is a Bitch (5-2)

Last Week: 1(↓4)

Points scored: 95 (Lowest team total this season)

Highest Scorer: Todd Gurley (28.6)

Average Points Per Player:  10.55 (10th)

Season Scoring Average: 124.78 (3rd)

Season Point Differential: +68.5 (4th)

Outlook:

Last year it was Barge who was one out of two teams to beat Kaden all season long. So far this season, Kaden is one out of the two teams that have beaten Barge. This was really a bad loss for Barge. He came into this game as the top scoring team in the league facing a team that sits at 1-5 and has been truly awful since week 1 and you lose? After talking a ton of shit in the group chat every week? Don’t look now, but Todd Gurley is absolutely carrying this team right now. Outside of Gurley and Hill, there’s a pretty substantial drop off of WR’s and RB’s. LeSean McCoy has been hot garbage, and his other receivers have been sub-par recently too. Barge could use a bounce-back week in which his team dominates again, or else I might start raising my eyebrows.

Next Week: Vs. Don’t Fuckle With Shuckle (+8.9)

6. Don’t Fuckle With Shuckle (4-3)

Last Week: 5(↓1)

Points scored: 90 (Lowest team total this season)

Highest Scorer: Andrew Luck (30.5)

Average Points Per Player: 10 (11th)

Season Scoring Average: 116.08 (7th)

Season Point Differential: -41.8 (9th)

Outlook:

Scott will now have to win out if he wants to match his beautiful 10-3 record from last season, which will be hard to do if his triple entente averages under 6 points per game again. It’s baffling that Joe Mixon, Ezekiel Elliot, and Mark Ingram combined for 17 points total! The chances of that happening are almost as low as being the highest scoring team in the league and only having 2 wins, but that could NEVER happen. Scott should still be fine in the long run, his RB’s will probably never have a week like that again unless they have to face Billy’s Harrenhal fortress level defense. Scott has a tough matchup with Barge next week and he’ll be without Ezekiel Elliot

Next Week: @ Zig is a Bitch (-8.9)

7. The Ferret

Last Week: 7↔

Points scored: 0

Highest Scorer: none

Average Points Per Player: 0

Season Scoring Average: 0

Season Point Differential: 0 

Outlook:

Nothing to report here. The ferret will continue to laugh at all the shit teams in the league.

8. Lick My Pussy @bitchbarge (2-5)

Last Week: 9(↑1)

Points scored: 164.6** (Highest team total this season)

Highest Scorer: Kareem Hunt (34.6)

Average Points Per Player: 18.28 (1st)

Season Scoring Average: 114.38 (9th)

Season Point Differential: -31.2 (8th)

** Highest DFFL weekly total in 2018

Outlook:

Zig..Is…Alive! After many weeks of some bad luck and some shitty performances, Zig has put himself right back into playoff contention with one swing of the bat. Seriously nobody needed week 7 more than Zig. 164.6 points is easily the highest total since Billy put up 168 back in 2015! His team is starting to click after that terrible 1-5 start and he’s now just .4 points behind Reddo for 8th place outright. The X factor for Zig the rest of the way is Keenan Allen. If he can return to his 2017 form at all, Zig will have a frightening team that’s capable of beating almost anyone. Next week he’s got a huge home game against Blitz Cock, it will be a defining game in Zig’s season.

Next Week: Vs. Blitz Cock (Pick ‘Em)

9. Lord Mattis (2-5)

Last Week: 8(↓1)

Points scored: 109.6 (4th highest team total this season)

Highest Scorer: Matt Stafford (20.9)

Average Points Per Player:  12.17 (6th)

Season Scoring Average: 114.44 (8th)

Season Point Differential: +46 (6th)

Outlook:

Another sad and close loss for Reddo. Since his 155 point explosion in week 5, Reddo has regressed considerably in the last two weeks. He was 2-3 with very winnable games against both Jake and Bobandy, yet he fell flat both times. He’s lost 4 games by less than five points this season and is now 77 points out of the wild card spot. It’s make or break for Reddo against Colin in week 8. He’s now competing against Zig and Gabe for the wild card.

Next Week: @ Tiny Rick (-17.2)

10. The Golden God (2-5)

Last Week: 12(↑2)

Points scored:  96 (2nd lowest team total this season)

Highest Scorer: James White (25.7)

Average Points Per Player:  10.66 (8th)

Season Scoring Average: 104.48 (10th)

Season Point Differential: -124.1 (11th)

Outlook:

Pretty surprising win for Kaden this week over a heavily favored Zig is a Bitch team. Kaden had a pretty shitty week scoring wise and he was able to secure the win by exactly one point. It’s funny when you think about it because Barge talks a lot of shit so I’m sure this win warmed the rest of the league’s hearts as well as Kaden’s. For Kaden, he’s basically in a win out type mode right now. He’s 147 points away from the wild card so for the defending champion to get back to the playoffs he basically needs to win out, or at the worst go 5-1 the rest of the way. Not likely, but not impossible.

Next Week: @ Protect The Shield (+19.8)

11. Trade Me Your Worst Players (2-5)

Last Week: 11↔

Points scored: 74.8 (2nd lowest team total this season)

Highest Scorer: Lamar Miller (16.4)

Average Points Per Player:  8.31 (12th)

Season Scoring Average: 97.81 (11th)

Season Point Differential: -79 (10th)

Outlook:

Good god is this team playing bad, even worse than Jake bad. He hasn’t scored 80 points since week 5 and hasn’t broken the century mark since week 4. He lost to a team that only started 8 players and basically played with 7 after the Sony Michel injury and STILL lost by over 20 points. With that 74.8 point dry heave, Mas is now the only other team besides Jake that is currently averaging under 100 points per game. With an injury riddled roster and consistently bad outings, Mason could fall below Jake by season’s end.

Next Week: @Astro Dumpster (+50)

12. 7-6 Here We Come (1-6)

Last Week: 13(↑1)

Points scored: 99.5 (Highest team total this season)

Highest Scorer: Odell Beckham Jr. (24.3)

Average Points Per Player:  11.05 (7th)

Season Scoring Average: 87.14 (12th)

Season Point Differential: -228.2 (12th)

Outlook:

What a nice week for Jake! He posted season bests in nearly every category and he was sooooo close to finally getting 100 points. He would’ve actually beaten five different teams this week! FIVE! Yay Jake! Nah but Jake currently has gone 7 straight weeks without scoring 100 points. The DFFL record was set by Gabe in 2016. His team went from week 2 to week 14 (12 weeks) without breaking 100 points. Jake really can’t make the playoffs unless he wins out, but he might have a chance to finish in 11th place. I think he’ll take the moral victory at this point.

Next Week: @ The Implication (-6.7) 

13. The Fox (What Does The Fox Say?) – Ylvis

Points scored: -1 million

Highest Scorer: idiots

Average Points Per Player:  -2 million

Season Scoring Average: 0

Season Point Differential: -10000000 

Outlook:

This song is without a doubt the worst song on the planet and it might even be the worst thing to ever exist on the planet. I hate this song so much. I become so physically ill every time some daft moron thinks it’ll be funny to play at a party. I promise you. It’s not fucking funny.

14. Astro Dumpster (2-5)

Last Week: 10(↓4)

Points scored: 120.3 (2nd lowest team total this season)

Highest Scorer: Trey Burton (23.1)

Average Points Per Player:  13.36 (4th)

Season Scoring Average: 125.47 (1st)

Season Point Differential: +2.4 (7th)

Outlook:

Quite literally the most garbage fantasy team to ever exist and it will be written about by the scribes of the year 4000 as the most pathetic bunch of fuckheads to ever exist on the field of football.

Next Week: Vs. Trade Me Your Worst Players (-50)

I don’t really want to talk about week 6 at all. I’m only typing this because I feel obligated to do so but if I’m being totally and 100% tbh, I fucking hated week 6. First of all I had to watch stupid ass Ferris State beat GV on a last-second stupid ass trick play on 4th & 3 from midfield. Bart Williams sucks cock. Literally, GVSU’s QB is a SIXTH YEAR SENIOR!! Like holy fuck Brett Favre just fucking graduate for Christ sake. You know what the funny part is? I don’t even give a shit about GVSU football, but then I had to watch the fucking annoying ass Shittsburgh Steelers beat the Bengals for the 8th time in a row. I don’t care who you are or what team you root for, it is fucking demoralizing to lose to a team full of players that I had more than Islamic terrorist constantly gang pipe down my pathetic team like we’re Piper Perri in a fucking BBC orgy. If that wasn’t frustrating enough, Alfred Morris finished the game with 0 fucking touches on Monday, but we’ll get into that late. Let’s talk about fucking stupid ass fantasy football.

 

1. Zig is a Bitch (5-1)

Last Week: 2(↑1)

Points scored: 135.5 (2nd highest team total this season)

Highest Scorer: Tyreek Hill (35.7)

Average Points Per Player:  15.05 (4th)

Season Scoring Average: 129.75 (1st)

Season Point Differential: +69.5 (3rd)

Outlook:

Barge trailed Gabe by almost 30 points with just over 5 minutes to go in the Sunday night game. That was when Tyreek Hill decided to recieve over 100 yards more through the air and 2 touchdowns added to a rushing touchdown by Tom Brady and that’s your ball game. Lucky Barge got to face Gabe without Alvin Kamara and will face Scott without Ezekiel Elliot in week 8.

Next Week: @ The Golden God (-19)

2. Protect The Shield (5-1)

Last Week: 3(↑1)

Points scored: 141.3 (Highest team total this season)

Highest Scorer: Aaron Rodgers (32.4)

Average Points Per Player: 15.7 (1st)

Season Scoring Average: 122.08 (4th)

Season Point Differential: +83 (2nd)

Outlook:

Brendan looked to be all but defeated when Monday night came around, but amazing performances from Mason Crosby and Aaron Rodgers combined for 49.4 points to knock off Tiny Rick in an all out spit swapping slugfest. Brendan has managed to prove my theory about having good RB’s wrong. He has zero RB’s inside the top 20 but he’s 5-1 and scoring a lot of points.

Next Week: @ Astro Dumpster (+1.1)

3. Blitz Cock (5-1)

Last Week: 5(↑2)

Points scored: 136.1 (Second highest team total this season)

Highest Scorer: Patrick Mahomes (34.9)

Average Points Per Player:  15.12 (3rd)

Season Scoring Average: 117.43 (6th)

Season Point Differential: +132 (1st)

Outlook:

Billy has been without his second round pick Dalvin Cook for pretty much the entire season, but he’s managed to make it work. He’s 5-1 and gets 64% of his scoring from Patrick Mahomes, Adam Thielen, and Saquon Barkley. The emergence of Alshon Jeffrey has also been huge for Billy. If Cook ever gets healthy, this will be one of the most complete teams in the DFFL

Next Week: @ Don’t Fuckle With Shuckle (+104.5) **Subject to change

4. Tiny Rick (4-2)

Last Week: 1(↓3)

Points scored: 138.1 (Highest team total this season)

Highest Scorer: Jameis Winston (37.9)

Average Points Per Player: 15.34 (2nd)

Season Scoring Average: 129.31 (2nd)

Season Point Differential: +64.6 (4th)

Outlook:

Tough luck week for Colin. It looked like he had the game won going into the Monday night game when Aaron Rodgers and Mason Crosby both had tremendous games to complete an unbelievable comeback. It’s not often that you’re the 2nd highest scoring team in a week and manage to lose. Still, Colin is 4-2 with a lineup filled with devastaters. He should have no problem with Mason next week

Next Week: @ Trade me your worst players (-20.7)

5. Don’t Fuckle With Shuckle (4-2)

Last Week: 6(↑1)

Points scored: 134.5 (2nd highest team total this season)

Highest Scorer: Andrew Luck (30.7)

Average Points Per Player:  14.91 (5th)

Season Scoring Average: 120.43 (5th)

Season Point Differential: -8.3 (8th)

Outlook:

Scott is currently on a 3 game win streak in which he’s averaged 139 ppg. His ground attack of Ezekiel Elliot, Joe Mixon, and Mark Ingram is one of the best trios in the league nicknamed “The Triple Entente.” Amazingly enough, Scott is 4-2 with a negative point differential on the season. He’s a true anamoly of the system and he’ll look to make it four wins in a row against Billy. Both Billy and Scott have the longest current in streaks in the DFFL, so something’s gotta give.

Next Week: Vs. Blitz Cock (-104.5) **Subject to Change

6. The Implication (4-2)

Last Week: 4(↓2)

Points scored: 109.4 (4th highest team total this season)

Highest Scorer: James Connor 26.9

Average Points Per Player: 12.15 (9th)

Season Scoring Average: 116.55 (6th)

Season Point Differential: +44.8 (6th)

Outlook:

I know it’s not really fair of me to move my good pal Bobandy down two spots after a win, but he really didn’t have that outstanding of a week. James Connor was fantastic as usual, but we still are unsure about how Le’Veon Bell will effect his fantasy impact. David Johnson has been less than stellar, mostly because the Cardinals are the shittiest fucking team ever. Bobandy could see RB go from a strength to a weakness in a couple weeks if he’s not careful. It still blows my mind that Todd Gurley wasn’t taken first overall.

Next Week: @ Lord Mattis (-5.9)

7. The Ferret

Last Week: 10(↑3)

Points scored: 0

Highest Scorer: none

Average Points Per Player:  0

Season Scoring Average: 0

Season Point Differential: 0

Outlook:

Yep the Ferret is now a full time member of the league. He doesn’t do anything but basically anyone below the Ferret has a totally garbage team. Sorry to the losers and the haters, but 6 teams in this league suck total dick. You are worse than the ferret.

8. Lord Mattis (2-4)

Last Week: 7(↓1)

Points scored: 92.3 (Lowest team total this season)

Highest Scorer: Ben Roethlisberger (22.3)

Average Points Per Player:  10.25 (11th)

Season Scoring Average: 115.25 (8th)

Season Point Differential: +50.1 (5th)

Outlook:

Wow Reddo is lucky that the teams below him suck total dick because he lost to Jake this week. Yikes McGikes my dude. 92 points is the lowest team total this season in what was just an all around terrible week for Redding and his sexual fantasy James Mattis. Luckily the ferret can’t take a playoff spot so Reddo is far from out of the playoff race. He was able to dump Devonta Freeman before he was placed on IR. Now he has Gronk and a solid team that is still very much able to compete.

Next Week: Vs. The Implication (+5.9)

9. Lick My Pussy @bitchbarge (1-5)

Last Week: 11(↑2)

Points scored: 112.7 (4th highest team total this season)

Highest Scorer: Emmanuel Sanders (21)

Average Points Per Player:  12.52 (8th)

Season Scoring Average: 106.01 (9th)

Season Point Differential: -95.7 (10th)

Outlook:

Poor Zig. I still feel like his team really isn’t that bad yet he’s still 1-5. He’s bottom quadrant in scoring and his point differential is terrible. 1-5 is a deep hole to dig out of so consider Zig to be in total panic mode right now. He needs a miracle if he wants a shot at the playoffs. Fortunatley for him the competition for the 7 spot isn’t very good.

Next Week: @ 8-5 Here I come (-28.5) **Subject to change

10. Astro Dumpster (2-4)

Last Week: 8(↓3)

Points scored: 130.1 (2nd lowest team total this season)

Highest Scorer: Matt Ryan (33.3)

Average Points Per Player: 14.45 (6th)

Season Scoring Average: 126.33 (3rd)

Season Point Differential: +2.8 (7th)

Outlook:

This team sucks mad cock. There’s no other way to put it

Next Week: Vs. Protect The Shield (-1.1)

11. Trade me your worst players (2-4)

Last Week: 9(↓2)

Points scored: 65.3 (Lowest team total this season

Highest Scorer: Julio Jones (19.4)

Average Points Per Player: 7.25 (12th)

Season Scoring Average: 101.65 (11th)

Season Point Differential: -54.6 (9th)

Outlook:

Mason has now lost Jerrick McKinnon, Jay Ajayi, Jeremy Hill, and Devonta Freeman this season. He’s also now down Cooper Kupp to a knee injury. Mason has been getting by without them, but he’s extremely depelted and his chance at the playoffs are all but gone.

12. The Golden God (1-5)

Last Week: 11↔

Points scored: 109.6 (4th highest team total this season)

Highest Scorer: Carson Wentz (30.4)

Average Points Per Player: 12.17 (8th)

Season Scoring Average: 105.9 (10th)

Season Point Differential: -125.1 (11th)

Outlook:

The defending champion is having a miserable season that seems to keep getting worse. With Jake’s week 6 win, Kaden now has the league’s longest losing streak at 5 games. Weak RB’s and unsteady WR play have made crushed Kaden’s playoff hopes… can Le’Veon Bell save him?

Next Week: Vs. Zig is a bitch (+19)

13. 8-5 Here We Come (1-5)

Last Week: 13↔

Points scored: 97.3 (Highest team total this season)

Highest Scorer: Russell Wilson (26)

Average Points Per Player: 10.8 (10th)

Season Scoring Average: 85.08 (12th)

Season Point Differential: -163.1 (12th)

Outlook:

HE DID IT!! JAKE WON A GAME!! No but seriously I honestly didn’t think it would happen, but it did. I was hoping that Jake would break the record and he came pretty close, but he came up just a bit short. Billy’s 0-7 record from 2016 is safe for another year at least. Jake now has the same record as Zig and Kaden with an opprotunity to pass them… or even better.. Can he pass the ferret?

1. Zig is a Bitch (Tyler Barge)

Joffrey Baratheon

Barge may be king of the DFFL right now, but we all know that he’s gonna choke it away at some point. Also he’s a cocksucker.

Tiny Rick (Colin Roelofs)

The Hound

Colin might have the scariest team in the league. He’s 4-2 on the season and he’s got elite players at every single position. The Hound is a very scary person, almost as scary as Colin’s fantasy team. Also Colin is tall as fuck.

Protect The Shield (Brendan Cach)

Littlefinger

Brendan is always scheming and trying to rip people off with bad trade offers. Sometimes I feel like he thinks he’s an actual genius. Sort of like Littlefinger did until.. well you know how that story went

Blitz Cock (Billy Norton)

Rob Stark

No I don’t think Rob Stark reflects Billy as a person obviously, but Billy constantly fills up his roster with young guys. Many rookies and second year players. Rob Stark is referred to as “The young wolf.” Seems like a perfect title for Saquon Barkley. Also Billy is going to be 5-1 and can certainly be called “king in the north.” (Even though he lives down south)

The Implication (Andrew Dubanik)

Undead Viserion

Viserion is thought of by most to be the weakest runt of the three dragons. That’s exactly what Bobandy has been to the DFFL for the last three seasons, a runt. But now it seems that his team has been awakened by the will of the Old fantasy gods and the new. People are starting to fear Bobandy’s team.

Don’t Fuckle With Shuckle (Scott Bankes)

Khal Drogo

Scott is 4-2 and his team is filled with good running backs. Some may even call them workhorses. Scott rides his workhorses to victory in most weeks. You know who else rides horses? Drogo does. Nobody in the league is even close to being as jacked as the great Khal Drogo, but if anyone comes close it’s Scott

Astro Dumpster (Gabe Nulsen)

Lord Varys

Gabe serves as the eyes and the ears of the league. Many trade rumors will float his way like little birds when they’re in the works. Also Gabe much like Lord Varys, Gabe doesn’t really use his penis for anything

Lord Mattis (Hunter Redding)

Renly Baratheon

Renly Baratheon had such high hopes of sitting on the iron throne at the beginning of his rise to power, much like Reddo at the start of the football season. The potential was there but the results just simply were not. This is most fitting however because much like Renly, Reddo is extremely fucking gay.

Trade me your worst players (Mason Carruthers)

Bran Stark

Bran is a cool character, but he’s also paralyzed from the waist down. Mason’s team has like a million injuries so far this season, so in a sense he’s also paralyzed.

Lick My Pussy @bitchbarge (Blake Przysiecki)

Olly

Now we get down to our few pathetic teams. Zig is 1-5 unfortunaley and Olly is such a little bitch. If he had a fantasy team it would probably be 1-5 too. Fuck you olly.

The Golden God (Kaden Zemper)

Viserys Targareon

Kaden won the title last year, but this year has been quite the opposite. Viserys Targareon’s ancestors ruled the seven kingdoms for thousands of years, but unfortunately for him, he would never find out what is was like to win much like the members of Kaden’s current team. A golden crown for the golden god!

8-5 Here We Come (Jake Katschor)

Robin Arryn

He may not be the most hated character in Game of Thrones, but he’s outrageously pathetic. Robin Arryn might be one of the biggest pussys to ever exists in TV and he definitely has a little peen. Robin is the queef of the show, and Jake’s team is the queef of the DFFL.

Already five weeks in the NFL have gone by and week six has already begun with the Eagles defeating the Giants on Thursday Night Football by a final tally of 34-13. Ugly. That Giants team is absolutely piss poor. People ask me why Andy Dalton is still the Bengals’ QB, but don’t ask why Eli is still the Giants QB??!! The man is like 65 years old, he’s got 0 ability or awareness and his arm is about as flaccid as my penis after a night of drinking. I don’t know who their backup is and I don’t really care, but he’s gotta be better than Eli. Saquon Barkley, on the other hand, is an absolute freak. It’s incredible that he somehow fell to number 10 in our league because he truly defines the term “Absolute Unit.” Billy lucked out on that pick, he’s going to be a sick RB for many years to come. Without further ado, let’s talk about week 5 in the DFFL…

1. Tiny Rick (4-1)

Last Week: 3(↑2)

Points scored: 127.3 (3rd highest team total this season)

Highest Scorer: Drew Brees (32.7)

Average Points Per Player:  14.14 (2nd)

Season Scoring Average: 127.56 (2nd)

Season Point Differential: +67.8 (3rd)

Outlook:

For the first time all season long, we have a new number one. Colin was able to defeat Barge, pushing them both to 4-1 and tightening the battle for the number 1 seed. He’s got top 5 players at QB, RB, WR, and TE. It’ll be a tough week 6 for Colin with Drew Brees, Michael Thomas and Kenny Golloday on byes, but they’ll be ready come playoff time.

Next Week: Vs. Protect The Shield (+12.5)

 

2. Zig is a Bitch (4-1)

Last Week: 1(↓1)

Points scored: 115.2 (Lowest team total this season)

Highest Scorer: Tom Brady (32.9)

Average Points Per Player:  12.8 (6th)

Season Scoring Average: 128.6 (1st)

Season Point Differential: +64.1 (4th)

Outlook:

Ding dong the wicked witch is dead! Not really though, Barge isn’t currently number 1 in the DFFL rankings, but he’s still the leagues highest scorer and has yet to have a bad week. His team is mostly healthy and he gets to face The Full Bullpen in week 6 without Alvin Kamara. 5-1 and a shot at the 1 seed is still looking very likely.

Next Week: Vs. The Full Bullpen (Pick ‘Em)

3. Protect The Shield (4-1)

Last Week: 2(↓1)

Points scored: 122.5 (2nd highest team total this season)

Highest Scorer: Aaron Rodgers (34)

Average Points Per Player:  13.6 (4th)

Season Scoring Average: 118.24 (5th)

Season Point Differential: +79.8 (2nd)

Outlook:

Like every other 4-0 team this week, Brendan bit the dust at the hands of the mighty Bobandy in week 5. He continues to get by in the league with amazing production from his WR’s and his QB, but is still getting lackluster numbers from his RB’s. He’s been desperatly contacting teams in search of an RB1, but to no avail thus far. It should be an interesting couple weeks for Brendan.

Next Week: @ Tiny Rick (-12.5)

 

4. The Implication (3-2)

Last Week: 7(↑3)

Points scored: 131.2 (2nd highest team total this season)

Highest Scorer: James Connor (32.5)

Average Points Per Player:  14.57 (1st)

Season Scoring Average: 117.98 (6th)

Season Point Differential: +0.7 (7th)

Outlook:

Yep, I snapped and moved Bobandy into the top four. I know it may be short lived if James Connor becomes irrelevant but that’s the beauty of the NFL. Anything can happen. Bobandy lead the DFFL in scoring in week 5. Yes you read that correctly. I’m not even joking. If you told me that in the preseason, I would’ve slapped my nutsack and given you the good old fashioned gooble sluper 3000. Anyway, Bobandy has a great chance to be 4-2 after this week’s matchup against Mason’s hospital of running backs.

Next Week: Vs. My Teams OVR Rating Is 71 (-22.6)

 

5. Blitz Cock (4-1)

Last Week: 5↔

Points scored: 101.9 (2nd lowest team total this season)

Highest Scorer:  Saquon Barkley (26.9)

Average Points Per Player:  11.32 (8th)

Season Scoring Average: 113.7 (8th)

Season Point Differential: +105.5 (1st)

Outlook:

Billy continues to win games by playing stilfing defense. His team has given up just 430 points this year (86 ppg) which is by far the lowest in the league. The next closest is Brendan at 511.4 (102.28 ppg) so it really isn’t even close. Despite the mediocre scoring effort this season. Billy finds himself tied for the best record in the DFFL at 4-1 with the number 1 QB and WR along with a top 5 RB. He faces Kaden in week 6, who’s gone ice cold in recent weeks.

Next Week: Vs. The Golden God (-8.3)

6. Don’t Fuckle With Shuckle (3-2)

Last Week: 6↔

Points scored: 124.2 (2nd highest team total this season)

Highest Scorer: Mark Ingram (20.3)

Average Points Per Player:  13.8 (3rd)

Season Scoring Average: 117.62 (7th)

Season Point Differential: -30.1 (9th)

Outlook:

I can already see the text that I’m gonna get from Scott when he sees this. “Gabe (smirking emoji) you know I’m MUCH higher than six (3x smirking emoji)” He’s won two in a row and his team is at full strength. Once again Scott should be right in the thick of things and should have no trouble making the playoffs barring any injuries. He’s got a hot date with Zig who’s desperate for a win in week 6.

Next Week: @ Lick My Pussy @bitchbarge (-2.9)

 

7. Lord Mattis (2-3)

Last Week: 8(↑1)

Points scored: 121.5 (2nd highest team total this season)

Highest Scorer: Ben Roethlisberger (27.6)

Average Points Per Player:  13.5 (5th)

Season Scoring Average: 119.84 (4th)

Season Point Differential: +55.1 (5th)

Outlook:

Reddo has bounced back strong after an 0-3 start with back to back wins over Mason and Zig. While both those teams are near the bottom of the league, Reddo has won both of those games quite emphatically. Reddo’s team offers a balanced attack with strong wideouts and the best TE duo in the league right now. The running game is still iffy, but steadily improving. As far as playoffs go, Reddo is just on the outside looking in, but is easily the best of the teams that are currently not in the playoffs.

Next Week: @Worthless Peen (-11.2)

8. The Full Bullpen (2-3)

Last Week: 4(↓4)

Points scored: 63.9 (Lowest team total this season)

Highest Scorer: Christian McCaffrey (17.8)

Average Points Per Player:  7.1 (12th)

Season Scoring Average: 125.58 (3rd)

Season Point Differential: +8.2 (6th)

Outlook:

Gabe decided to pull a Jake and say “Fuck scoring points, I’m just gonna shit my pants.” After four weeks of averaging over 140 points, The Full Bullpen vomitted an embarrasing 63.9 points in week 5. Just 1.3 points more than Kaden’s league low 62.6 in week 4. It didn’t help that Brandin Cooks, Ricky Seals-Jones and Denver D/ST scored a combined -2. Combine that with subpar performances from the rest of the unit and you get what Gabe got in week 5. a queef.

Next Week: @ Zig is a Bitch (Pick ‘Em)

 

9. My Teams OVR Rating Is 71 (2-3)

Last Week: 10(↑1)

Points scored: 91.7 (2nd lowest team total this season)

Highest Scorer: Deshaun Watson (23)

Average Points Per Player:  10.18 (9th)

Season Scoring Average: 108.92 (9th)

Season Point Differential: -10.5 (8th)

Outlook:

There was nothing flashy about Mason’s dub over Jake in week 5. It took an overtime on MNF for him to do it. Jake was dangerously close to getting that elusive first win. Still, Mas gets the win and moves to 2-3. While his team is a hot mess and injuries are piling up, he’s still managed to keep himself in contention. The additions of Lamar Miller and Cooper Kupp should help him down the road. If Devonta Freeman could somehow make himself relevant again, Mas could be on to something.

Next Week: @ The Implication (+22.6)

The Ferret (0-0)

Last Week: 12(↑2)

Points scored: 0

Highest Scorer: Himself

Average Points Per Player: 0

Season Scoring Average: 0

Season Point Differential: +(0) 

Outlook:

Wow! He leap frogged two people by doing absolutley nothing. At this point I feel like the commish should let him enter the league. He really can’t be much worse than Zig and Kaden and I know for a fact he’s better than Jake

11. Lick My Pussy @bitchbarge (1-4)

Last Week: 9(↓2)

Points scored: 87.4 (2nd lowest team total this season)

Highest Scorer: Kirk Cousins (16.1)

Average Points Per Player:  9.71 (11th)

Season Scoring Average: 104.68 (11th)

Season Point Differential: -55.9 (10th)

Outlook:

I’d almost feel bad for Zig if he wasn’t such an asshole to me about my favorite players:(( Nah but Zig has had some tough luck this year. He’d probably be better than 1-4 if he would just start the correct players every once in a blue moon. Coaching is, after all, apart of the game and Zig seems to really struggle in the scouting department. Is he this years Marvin Lewis??

Next Week: Vs. Don’t Fuckle With Shuckle (+2.9)

 

12. The Golden God (1-4)

Last Week: 11(↓1)

Points scored: 113.5 (3rd highest team total this season)

Highest Scorer: Carson Wentz (24.6)

Average Points Per Player:  12.6 (5th)

Season Scoring Average: 105.16 (10th)

Season Point Differential: -98.6 (11th)

Outlook:

It’s been all downhill since Kaden’s amazing week 1 performance. He finally got a good performance from Carson Wentz, but he needs more contributions from the rest of the team. Le’Veon Bell will be back in week 8, but will Kaden have enough gas in the tank to make a playoff run at the point? If he can somehow pickup a win against Billy this week, it would be a huge statement win. I would say it’s an absolute must win for Kaden.

Next Week: @ Blitz Cock (+8.3)

 

13. Worthless Peen (0-5)

Last Week: 13↔

Points scored: 87.8 (3rd highest team total this season)

Highest Scorer: Odell Beckham Jr. (29.1)

Average Points Per Player:  9.74 (10th)

Season Scoring Average: 82.64 (12th)

Season Point Differential: -168.1 (12th)

Outlook:

Jake decided to go with a name change and he chose a name that couldn’t fit his team any better. The worthless peen is currently sitting in dead last and STILL has yet to score over 100 points. He’s exceeded 90 just once as well. He is currently 2 losses away from tying Billy’s record of 0-7 to start a season and since he’s averaging at least 20 points less than everyone in the league, it’s very much a possibility.

Next Week: Vs. Lord Mattis (+11.2)

 

Another week is in the books and we have officially transitioned from the early season into the longest stretch of the fantasy football year known as the mid-season. Week 4 saw many things: excitement, passion, heartbreak, and most of all, love. But now week 4 is over and we must move on to one of the most important weeks in fantasy football. Week 5, the start of the mid-season. This is the week where we us fantasy owners really get a feel of where we stand with our teams. We can now gauge our strengths and weaknesses and respond to them accordingly. Some of us are cruising without any problems, some of us are lurking in the shadows waiting to make a move, some of us have fallen a bit behind but have the spirit of a wounded animal, and one of us is dead in the fucking water. Week 5 also brings the start of something more violent and competitive than the battle of Midway; trade season. Bobandy and Mason have already swapped flex players in Lamar Miller and Robert Woods, but the man making the biggest splash at the moment is Reddo. He is currently in line to acquire: Rob Gronkowski, Odell Beckham Jr, and Ted Ginn. If the league votes to pass these trades through, he will send away Larry Fitzgerald, Devonta Freeman, Matt Stafford, Cooper Kupp, and Eric Ebron. If these trades can get through, Redding will become a force to be reckoned with. Let’s talk about what we saw in week 4 and where each team stands heading into week 5….

1. Zig is a Bitch (4-0)

Last Week: 1↔

Points scored: 128.1 (3rd highest team total this season)

Highest Scorer: Tom Brady (24)

Average Points Per Player:  14.23 (6th)

Season Scoring Average: 131.95 (2nd)

Season Point Differential: +76.2 (2nd)

Outlook:

The Tyler Barge juggernaut just keeps kicking ass and taking names. It’s no surprise that he was able to best the submissive Bobandy in week 4 and as long Todd Gurley keeps on being himself, there’s no reason to believe that Barge won’t be looking at the top overall seed come playoff time.

Next Week: @ Tiny Rick (+4)

2. Protect The Shield (4-0)

Last Week: 4(↑2)

Points Scored: 121.2 (2nd highest team total this season)

Highest Scorer: Golden Tate (29.2)

Average Points Per Player:  13.46 (8th)

Season Scoring Average: 117.17 (5th)

Season Point Differential: +88.5 (1st)

Outlook:

Brendan has seemed to totally turn things around after a brutal 2017 season in which “The Night King” finished 2-11. His team is 5th in the league in scoring and excels at the WR position, but is still finding its feet at RB. It should be noted that Brendan’s opponents thus far have a combined record of 3-13 and are averaging a league low 95.05 points against him. Great defense or great luck?

Next Week: vs. The Implication (+4.3)

3. Tiny Rick (3-1)

Last Week: 2(↓1)

Points Scored:  124.3 (3rd highest team total this season)

Highest Scorer: Melvin Gordon (27.4)

Average Points Per Player:  13.81 (7th)

Season Scoring Average: 127.62 (3rd)

Season Point Differential:  +55.7 (4th)

Outlook:

Colin suffered his first loss of the season at the hands of Billy’s long blitz cock. Still he was almost able to win despite off weeks from Michael Thomas and Drew Brees. The return of Doug Baldwin and the emergence of Sony Michel should help Colin get back on track. His team is packed with depth and he’s in great position to make his first ever playoff run

Next Week: Vs. Zig is a Bitch (-4)

4. The Full Bullpen (2-2)

Last Week: 3(↓1)

Points Scored: 147.5 (Highest team total this season)

Highest Scorer: Alvin Kamara (38.6)

Average Points Per Player:  16.38 (3rd)

Season Scoring Average: 141 (1st)

Season Point Differential: +46.2 (5th)

Outlook:

Another tough luck loss for The Full Bullpen as Scott was able to put up 157.4 points in the flaccid bowl, the highest of any team in a single week this season. Gabe’s team currently leads the league in points scored (564) and points allowed (517.8) and is now 0-2 in games that Alvin Kamara scores exactly 38.6 points. It won’t get any easier for Gabe, his next three opponents have a combined record of 11-1.

Next Week: Vs. Blitz Cock (-6.7)

5. Blitz Cock (3-1)

Last Week: 6 (↑1)

Points Scored: 129.2 (2nd highest team total this season)

Highest Scorer:  Jared Cook (27)

Average Points Per Player:  14.35 (5th)

Season Scoring Average: 116.65 (6th)

Season Point Differential: +67.5 (3rd)

Outlook:

Billy was able to sneak away with a backdoor win over Colin to give him his first loss of the season. Billy’s three headed monster of Patrick Mahomes, Adam Thielen, and Saquon Barkley will continue to keep opposing fantasy owners awake at night. He will need a healthy and productive Dalvin Cook to push him over the edge but for now, Billy seems to be solidly in the playoff picture

Next Week: @ The Full Bullpen (+6.7)

6. Don’t Fuckle With Shuckle (2-2)

Last Week: 10(↑4)

Points Scored:  157.4* (Highest team total this season)

Highest Scorer: Andrew Luck (43.1)

Average Points Per Player:  17.48 (1st)

Season Scoring Average: 115.97 (7th)

Season Point Differential: -40.8 (10th)

(*Highest DFFL Weekly total in 2018)

Outlook:

This is the performance that Scott has been looking for all season long. He got at least solid production from every player and explosive days from Andrew Luck and Ezekiel Elliot. He’s been saying all season long that week 5 will be where he begins his run and sure enough he will return Joe Mixon and Mark Ingram to his starting lineup. Scott is officially at full strength.

Next Week : @ The Golden God (-47.2)

***Opening line may be subject to change

7. The Implication (2-2)

Last Week: 5(↓2)

Points Scored: 111.9 (2nd highest team total this season)

Highest Scorer: Phillip Rivers (27.7)

Average Points Per Player:  12.43 (9th)

Season Scoring Average: 114.67 (8th)

Season Point Differential: -8 (7th)

Outlook:

Another pretty average week by Bobandy’s squad was followed by bad news that Le’Veon Bell will be returning after the Steelers week 7 bye. After getting rid of Lamar Miller in a trade, Bobandy will be left with just David Johnson and Dion Lewis for reliable RB’s once James Connor becomes totally irrelevant. Bobandy needs to make a move at an RB before his teets are sucked dry.

Next Week: @ Protect The Shield (-4.3)

8. Lord Mattis (1-3)

Last Week: 9(↑1)

Points Scored: 155.1 (Highest team total this season)

Highest Scorer: Cooper Kupp (32.7)

Average Points Per Player:  17.23 (2nd)

Season Scoring Average: 119.42 (4th)

Season Point Differential: +21 (6th)

Outlook:

Much like Scott, Reddo finally saw his team explode and reach heights that had yet to be climbed this season in his 155.1 point supernova in week 4. More importantly Reddo is also currently set to aquire Rob Gronkowski and Odell Beckham Jr. If this ends up happening, Reddo would have two first round picks and two second round picks in his starting lineup. My sources tell me that his trade with Jake currently has 5 vetos out of the 6 required. Still, Reddo looks the most poised to make a turnaround after his 0-3 start.

Next Week: Vs. Lick My Pussy @bitchbarge (-16.2)

9. Lick My Pussy @bitchbarge (1-3)

Last Week: 12(↑3)

Points Scored: 130.2 (Highest team total this season)

Highest Scorer: Kirk Cousins (36.8)

Average Points Per Player:  14.46 (4th)

Season Scoring Average: 109 (10th)

Season Point Differential: -39.8 (9th)

Outlook:

Zig was the other 0-3 team to finally breakout in week 4 scoring his highest total of the 2018 season. Zig’s biggest problem has been starting the correct players and if you look at this team, you’d probably be surprised that he’s 1-3. He’s got three RB’s currently ranked in the top 12 in scoring, a solid receiving core, and a top 5 fantasy QB at the moment. Much like Reddo, Zig is in position to make a move after his poor start and most importantly… he’s hungry for some teets.

Next Week: @ Lord Mattis (+16.2)

10. My Teams OVR Rating is 71 (1-3)

Last Week: 8(↓2)

Points Scored: 106.7 (3rd highest team total this season)

Highest Scorer: Deshaun Watson (35.1)

Average Points Per Player: 11.85 (10th)

Season Scoring Average: 113.22 (9th)

Season Point Differential: -14.4 (8th)

Outlook:

It was a tough week for Mason as he was pummeled by Reddo in one of the more lopsided games of the week. It’s tough to beat a score as high as 155 but it’s even tougher when your team puts out the third lowest total of the week. His RB’s combined for a grand total of 15.7 points in week 4 and his lack of RB’s will likely be the glacier that sinks Mason in 2018.

Next Week: Vs. Scary Terry (-9.5)

11. The Golden God (1-3)

Last Week: 7(↓4)

Points Scored: 62.6** (Lowest team total this season)

Highest Scorer: James White (27.2)

Average Points Per Player:  6.95 (12th)

Season Scoring Average: 103.07 (11th)

Season Point Differential: -87.9 (11th)

(**Lowest DFFL weekly score in 2018)

Outlook:

Kaden coughed up the worst week by any team in 2018 (even lower than Jake) in 2018 with an abysmal 62.6 points in week 4. His team averaged under 7 points per player and that’s with a 27.2 point performance from James White. The other 8 players on his team averaged a truly disgusting 4.42 points in week 4. It was a terrible week for Kaden, but he did get great news that Le’Veon Bell will be returning after the week 7 bye. If Kaden’s squad can hang around until week 8, he may be able to make a late run with the help of Bell.

Next Week: Vs. Don’t Fuckle With Shuckle (+47.2) 

***Opening line may be subject to change

12. The Ferret

Last Week: Doesn’t Matter

Points Scored: None

Highest Scorer: Himself

Average Points Per Player: None  

Season Scoring Average: 0

Season Point Differential: +0 

Outlook:

He’s doing a great job and I still have more faith in him than I do in Jake

13. Scary Terry (0-4)

Last Week: 13↔

Points Scored: 77.4 (3rd highest team total this season)

Highest Scorer: Amari Cooper (22.8)

Average Points Per Player:  8.6 (11th)

Season Scoring Average: 81.35 (12th)

Season Point Differential: -164.2 (12th)

Outlook:

There isn’t a word to describe how terrible this team is so I’ll just let the numbers talk. Jake has yet to even come close to 100 points in a week and his team has only topped 90 once. Leonard Fournette is hurt again and he’s lost three TE’s to season ending injuries. On top of all that, he just traded away Odell Beckham. Jake is a serious contender to break Billy’s record for most losses to being a season at 0-7 in 2016.

Next Week: @ My Teams Ovr Rating Is 71 (+9.5)

Week 4 has already begun with the Rams defeating the Vikings on TNF and I’m ready to rank our fantasy football league. In the future, I will be combining that recaps and power rankings into one consolidated article to save time and convenience the reader. Without further ado, it’s time to rank some teams

1. Zig is a Bitch (3-0)

Last Week: 1↔

It’s been nothing but smooth sailing for Barge so far as he picked up another easy victory against Scary Terry. Barge has exceeded 120 points in every week, 130 in 2/3 weeks, and is 2nd in overall scoring.

2. Tiny Rick (3-0)

Last Week: 2↔

Another huge week for Colin’s team. They dropped a season-high 134.8 points in week three and currently have accumulated a total of 386.2 points this season, good for third in the league. At this rate, Colin isn’t going to lose many games.

3. The Full Bullpen (2-1)

Last Week: 5(↑2)

The Full Bullpen has now scored 140+ in back to back weeks and currently leads the league in overall scoring at 138.8 ppg. They’re the first team to score over 400 points in the first three weeks of the season

4. Protect The Shield (3-0)

Last Week: 3(↓1)

While Brendan’s team remains undefeated, it can’t be ignored that his team is currently middle of the pack in scoring. He is currently 5th in the league with Bobandy and Mason trailing by just a couple points. His team is averaging 103.5 points in the last two weeks after his 140 point week one explosion.

5. The Implication (2-1)

Last Week: 6(↑1)

Bobandy’s team is trending in the right direction after picking up his second straight win in week three. He’ll get a chance to really prove himself against Barge’s team this week but he’ll need to score more than his week 3 total of 105.7.

6. Blitz Cock (2-1)

Last Week: 4(↓2)

A disappointing week three for Billy saw him score a season-low 92.1 points. He’s got the highest scoring QB in the league, but Dalvin Cook has been quiet so far this season. Billy is also 8th in the league in scoring and usually wins his games with his stifling defense. His team is allowing a league-best 91.6 ppg.

7. The Golden God (1-2)

Last Week: 7↔

It’s been a couple of rough weeks for Kaden since his week one explosion, but on the bright side he got a great week from Ryan Fitzmagic and is quietly 4th in points this season. If Le’Veon Bell ever comes back, Kaden will have a great many options to work with. Consider Kaden very much in the playoff hunt.

8. My Teams OVR Rating Is 71 (1-2)

Last Week: 11(↑3)

Mason dicked all over Zig last week, scoring over 120 points for the second time this season. I still don’t know what to make of this team because they’ve kinda been all over the place, but if you add 3.6 points to Mason’s season total he moves from 7th to 4th in season scoring. Like Kaden, Mason is in the hunt.

9. Lord Mattis (0-3)

Last Week: 10(↑1)

Redding only scored 99 points last week but had Phillip Lindsay not been ejected, he probably would’ve beaten the undefeated Protect The Shield. Still, he’s currently 9th in the league in scoring and has fallen into a rather deep 0-3 hole.

10. Don’t Fuckle With Shuckle (1-2)

Last Week: 9(↓1)

Still plagued by injuries, Scott’s team has yet to be close to the potential that was there at the start of the season. If Scott doesn’t get a huge boost from the returns of Joe Mixon and Mark Ingram, he could be in for a long season. His 102 ppg is 10th in the league, just .7 more than Zig.

11. The Ferret

Last Week: 12(↑1)

Somehow the Ferret was able to move up from last week despite being a wild animal with no understanding of fantasy football, or human life in general

12. Lick My Pussy @bitchbarge (0-3)

Last Week: 8(↓4)

Zig’s team dry heaved an embarrassing 77.7 points in week 3. Nobody besides Jake has had a scoring output that low this season. Zig’s main problem has been starting the wrong guys. If he ever figures it out, he may be able to dig himself out of his own grave.

13. Scary Terry (0-3)

Last Week: 13↔

Jake has been about as consistent as Barge this season but on the complete opposite side of the spectrum. Jake actually outscored Billy and Zig in week three so things may be looking up, but he’s still averaging 82.6 ppg which is by far the lowest in the league.

Another week in the greatest fantasy football league of all time is in the books and as usual, I’m ready to talk about it. First and foremost, a big congratulations to Jake, who was not the lowest scoring player this week for the first time all season. Scott, Billy, Zig, and Reddo all failed to eclipse 100 points for the first time this season. They join Mason and Jake in that category. Only half the teams have failed to score 100 in all three weeks. The first three weeks have been so high scoring that I actually had to double check with commissioner Cach to make sure we didn’t change the scoring system from last year. I’m not sure what’s going on in the NFL this season, but offensive players are booming and fantasy owners are reaping the rewards. Michael Thomas is a perfect example of someone who is putting up numbers that are almost unheard of. The current WR1 in the DFFL has 38 catches in three games to go along with 398 receiving yards. I don’t think people understand how statistically insane that is. Michael Thomas has 38 catches on 40 targets this season. Think he’s just an outlier? Let’s take a look at some RB’s then. Saquon Barkley and Christian McCaffrey both had 14 receptions in week 2. Alvin Kamara had 15 catches on 20 (TWENTY!!) targets in week 3 for 124 yards and currently has 430 yards from scrimmage. Why does this matter? Because the NFL has made a transition from bell cow RB’s who run the ball up the middle 30 times to giving their top RB 12-15 carries and another 6-8 targets in the receiving game. Of course there’s a few exceptions, but the top fantasy running backs are the ones who do the bulk of their damage in the passing game.

Here is the scoreboard from week 3

Quick notes:

• Mason has exceeded 125 points for the second time in three weeks.
• Bobandy has a winning record for the first time since October 6th, 2016 when his team the Dream Meme defeated Don’t Fuckle With Shuckle to move to 3-2. His team would finish with a record of 5-8 in 2016.
• Colin, Brendan, and Barge are 3-0 for the first time in their DFFL careers.
• Gabe has scored a league best 416.5 points (138.8ppg) through three weeks which is the highest score in DFFL history over a three week span.
• Jake remains the only team to be under 100 points all three weeks, however he did exceed 90 for the first time all season and was only 4.1 points short of matching the ferret’s score for the week (96.6).
• Zig and Scott have never missed the playoffs, or had a losing season. They are a combined 1-5 to start the season.

Because these recaps take me forever to write, I’m transitioning the breakdowns of each team to quick notes regarding player stats, team stats, and next weeks opponent.

The Implication 105.7 (2-1)

Blitz Cock 92.1 (2-1)

Blitz Cock:

• Patrick Mahomes is a freak of nature and has real potential to be the QB1 this season
• Adam Thielen is turning into Kirk Cousin’s favorite target
• Saquon Barkley might be the steal of the draft at #10
• Dalvin Cook and Alshon Jeffrey MUST get healthy for Billy to have a chance at a title.

The Implication:

• Travis Kelce is back to his normal self making Bobandy’s team one of the most complete in the league
• Will Fuller is an animal, and Deshaun Watson loves throwing the ball his way
• If the Steelers end up trading Le’Veon Bell, James Connor could end up being the waiver wire pickup of the year
• David Johnson needs to be better
• Bobandy drafted David Johnson over Todd Gurley

Billy looks to move to 3-1 next week against Tiny Rick (3-0)

Bobandy looks to do the same against Zig is a Bitch (3-0)

Tiny Rick 134.9 (3-0)

Don’t Fuckle With Shuckle 93.9 (1-2)

Tiny Rick:

• The Saints offense is carrying Colin to new heights
• Michael Thomas. Enough said.
• Melvin Gordon continues to produce, even against tough defense.
• Colin is currently weak at the flex position and the 24 bench points indicate that his other options weren’t much better
• Kenny Golladay is in for a big year folks.

Don’t Fuckle With Shuckle:

• No stranger to slow starts
• Big day for Jared Goff, but many of his future TD’s are likely to be taken away by Todd Gurley making him unpredictable in terms of his fantasy value
• The return of Joe Mixon and Mark Ingram will provide an immense boost in RB production
• Stefon Diggs needs to do better against a weak team like the Bills. He could be in line for a big day against a Rams secondary that will be without Marcus Peters and Aquib Talib.

Scott will try to get back to .500 against The Full Bullpen (2-1) in week 4

Tiny Rick will try to remain perfect against Blitz Cock (1-2)

My Teams OVR Rating Is 71 129.7 (1-2)

Lick My Pussy @bitchbarge 77.7 (0-3)

My Teams OVR Rating Is 71:

• Add Jay Ajayi to the list of injured RB’s for Mason
• Despite being injury depleted, Mas is 7th in the league in scoring at 115.4 ppg and is notably ahead of Blitz Cock who is 8th in the league at 112.4 ppg.
• Deshaun Watson has now put together back to back solid weeks.
• Robert Woods is currently Mason’s highest scoring WR ahead of Julio Jones
• Javorius Allen has scored double digit points in every week so far.
• Mas still has Dez Bryant on his roster

Lick My Pussy @bitchbarge:

• The fact that Kirk Cousins failed to move the ball at all against Buffalo is actually pretty funny
• OJ Howard looks more than capable of replacing Greg Olsen
• Zig left 73.6 points on his bench which included 24 from Adrian Peterson, 23.3 from Carlos Hyde, and 17.1 from Gio Bernard
• Kareem Hunt was taken one spot ahead of Alvin Kamara who is currently outscoring him 80-35
• Keenan Allen has been very underwhelming and is currently the WR37

Mas will look to ride the momentum into week 4 against Lord Mattis (0-3)

Zig will try to find a spark in the stagnant offense against The Golden God (1-2)

zig is a bitch 126.3 (3-0)

Scary Terry 92.5 (0-3)

zig is a bitch:

• Matt Breida is currently the NFL’s leading rusher
• Marvin Jones has improved every single week
• Todd Gurley.
• Tom Brady is currently the QB19 and Alex Smith is QB20. Both of them are on Barge’s team.
• LeSean McCoy didn’t play this week and will likely not be producing at a high level this season
• Calvin Ridley is a major weapon on Barge’s bench at the moment

Scary Terry:

• Not really that scary
• Tyler Lockett and Odell Beckham were good, but not elite.
• Will Dissly is one of the ugliest mother fuckers I’ve ever looked at
• Amari Cooper’s wild inconsistency is alarming and frustrating
• Leonard Fournette’s return could make Jake’s team respectable again
• Russell Wilson should improve later in the season

In week 4…

Barge will look to slow down The Implication (2-1)

Jake will square off against Protect The Shield (3-0)

Protect The Shield 103 (3-0)

Lord Mattis 99.5 (0-3)

Protect The Shield:

• A.J. Green sustained a groin injury that doesn’t appear to be serious, but could linger in the coming weeks
• Backup QB Jimmy Garoppolo is done for the year with an ACL tear.
• Chris Carson was Brendan’s top RB this week, but kept on the bench
• While Zach Ertz has been top 5 at his position, he’s averaging barley 10 ppg and has only exceed 10 once in three weeks
• Brendan is 3-0, but fifth in the league in scoring. Mas and Bobandy have scored a combined two (2) points less than him this season

Lord Mattis:

• Big Ben has outscored Matt Stafford in every single week
• DeAndre Hopkins and Will Fuller are getting the same number of targets
• Evan Engram is considered week to week with an MCL sprain
• Devonta Freeman has now been out for two weeks and will likely give away many of his touches to Tevin Coleman upon his return
• Jarvis Landry’s value skyrockets with Baker Mayfield in the game
• Larry Fitzgerald has been putrid this year and the Cardinals are horrible
• Phillip Lindsay was ejected, but will likely continue to see a lot of touches out of the Broncos backfield

In week 4…

Protect the Shield faces another winless team in Scary Terry (0-3)

Lord Mattis will try to pickup win number one against My Teams OVR Rating Is 71 (1-2)

The Full Bullpen 142.9 (2-1)

The Golden God 113.8 (1-2)

The Full Bullpen:

• The duo of Christian McCaffrey and Alvin Kamara has combined for a league best 131.8 points through three weeks.
• Mike Evans is currently the WR2 behind Michael Thomas
• Gabe had 123.3 points on his bench
• Currently has QB4 and QB6 on his team
• Trey Burton has been limited by Mitch Trubisky, but an increase in Burton’s production would leave this roster without a hole

The Golden God:

• Still no Le’Veon Bell
• Fitzmagic continues to put up big fantasy numbers
• JuJu Smith-Schuster is currently the WR6 and has the 3rd most receiving yards in the NFL
• James White is still Kaden’s highest scoring RB (RB16)
• The defending champ has stayed alive despite zero production from his first round pick, but needs obvious help at RB

In week 4…

Gabe will look to stay on his current pace against Don’t Fuckle With Shuckle (1-2)

Kaden aims to get a much needed win against Lick My Pussy @bitchbarge (0-3)

That’s it for the recap of week three! Hope you all enjoyed and as always the power rankings will be available later this week. Week 4 will begin with a totally badass matchup between the Rams and the Vikings. Just because this was an amazing play, here’s Stefon Diggs from last season